As I was getting dressed this morning, my mind was invaded with thoughts about love and what I've learned. I slipped on panties and thought about the sex that I wasn't having (lol) and realized that there were several things about myself that I appreciate. I've learned physical discipline and the understanding with it that love isn't located between my legs...well it is, but it ain't. ;)
As I oiled my skin, I wondered on the tenderness of affection and how, though I miss it...I love loving on me. I get pretty-fly for me. Luxuriating in me makes someone else want to do so.
I wondered how many women might really get themselves out of loveless or stagnant relationships if they stopped using their "love muscle" as an indicator for love. "You don't love me...you just love my doggystyle!" came to mind. I wondered that if we just got hold of our physical attachments, would we be one step closer to defining what it is that keeps us with people who no longer make us happy. I realized that I've learned to love myself even more and though I miss the physical tangibility of a lover...I realize that I am free. Free of the fear of what someone else may not give me.
I mean, we hold onto people for the wrong reasons...most grounded in fear.
~fear of loneliness
~fear of abandonment
~fear of what I like to call "oneupmanship"...where you're afraid that the next chick is going to be better than you. She's gonna be the ONE, she's gonna be "better", etc. (queue, "Ring the Alarm")
~fear that no one will "love you like they do"...well, I hope damn NOT.
You can experience feelings of loneliness sitting in a room with someone. You're already alone if you're feeling rejected, uncared for and left with a sense of longing. Abandonment can begin within a relationship. Just like you can be lonely in a room with someone...a person can emotionally exit the relationship and leave your love void of what it needs to survive healthily. As far as worrying about the "next"? You can't control that. Get this straight. Every "next" one is the better one...until she reminds him of an ex and then she's all of a sudden a reminder of what he misses or what he hates. If by chance, the next one becomes THE one...believe that it is because she is made for him and not that you're less than her. Feelings of worthiness come from within and worthlessness is exacerbated in a love relationship. If you don't have your self-esteem and self-love in check BEFORE entering a relationship...nothing he does will make you feel loved. You'll always need more and that is not what a relationship is about. It is a rhythmic exchange of energies.
I also learned this much...if you're not happy, satisfied, fulfilled and valued with someone...why would you want anyone else to "love you like they did?". See my blog called "Friends nor Lovers". It's basically a summation to what standards we place on lovers and friends and how those two should be held to the same. No one who loves you even on a base level will hurt you purposely...and if they do it unintentionally, they should be honest about it. Period. If you wouldn't trust them to be your lover/friend...how could they transition into the other?
Basically, what I've learned is that some of the most important things in a relationship are the simplest...
~I want someone who will represent me. When we're apart, I want to know that he is representing me, wearing my love on his sleeve so to speak. I don't need to be the only woman he sees (that's lame) but, I want to be the one he chooses in SPITE of seeing everyone else. I shouldn't have to worry that he's more committed to flirting than to me. A man who won't tell the world about you is a man who doesn't think the world of you...
~Love should have an urgency. Love waits, TRUE love doesn't want to. True love will track you down (not in stalker fashion) and plead their case. True love will SHOW you love and not just tell you. Anything else is a waste of time. I don't want to hear it.
~Commitment is a decision. We choose it. You can't help those loving feelings, but you can choose whether to go forward or move past the object of your affections (if things aren't viable for a relationship). Relationships/Marriages are work. It's not, "Oh, I found the one...I can relax". It's I found the one...now, what do we do to keep it? It's an everyday thing. Sometimes it'll be easy and sometimes your soul mate may make you wanna choke the hope out of them...but you persevere and do it all over again the next day. If you're making excuses for why you can't be together, why you can't step up...I'm not sure you're in love. I said IN love...not "I love them, though...". BIG difference.
In closing, I've learned that love cannot be forced or even "loved into submission". People do what they want. The most damaged person CAN come back from trauma and hurt...but they have to WANT to. To think yourself so powerful that you can change the core of someone is cocky and futile. Love can conquer all...but, with the help of man. (I think I just added something to a long-time cliche) LOL
This is what I've learned :)