I started and restarted this blog a couple of times. I was gonna write on some ole boring shit...work cliques, to spin off the blog about the bus gang my mother rides with. *smdh* I was going to write about something funny...then something intellectual. I just can't. I'm talking around the real issues that I'm dealing with daily nowadays.
In the past I was VERY reluctant to speak on a personal tone. I'm sensitive and I don't like justifying or excusing away my life or my feelings...so rather than open up my wounds for the salt rubbing...I didn't blog ME. I sit in awe of the ladies and gentleman who managed to put a personable side to their entries. Allowing us all a glimpse into human behavior and condition...if only long enough to make it ok to be normal...or not.
Lately, I've been trying to repress feelings of hurt and betrayal and disgust by putting a smile on my face. It was me trying to deal with the situation with class and dignity...believing if I didn't show a bit of emotion, that I'd be ok. The reality of it is that I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm confused and I'm tired. I've always tried to be the strong one. For family and friends alike, I've always tried to be the cooler head and breath logic and calm into crisis and chaos. Being strong takes strength...and that strength comes from being replenished. Thank God, that I thank God and not man for that...because if I had to depend on MAN to make me stronger I'd melt into the floor.
I decided a while ago, that I'd be more personable. Bring more of ME into my blogs. Not just my intellect, humor, perspective and kiwi swagger *wink* but, the vulnerable side to me. The frailty of me and how at times no matter how much I know...that I too get lost. That I am capable of doing rash things in order to make sense of pain...and that I make mistakes. I want people to always see ALL of me and not the pieces of me that are nice and sweet. I want people to know that I can be a bitch. That I can be a brat. That even I have hypocritical ways. Yes, I too say one thing at times and do another. Anyone who feels like they never exhibit negative traits gets a hearty laugh from me. We all at one time or another place ourselves above a situation and aren't willing to admit when we're wrong. I'm no angel, but damnit if I don't try to be above board at all times...so, when I've been done wrong...especially unnecessarily, it bothers me. I spend a long time working it out in my head for my own understanding. I know that I will prevail. I always do. I've been through worse...and my faith in God and my own strength have been the valiant horse that I've ridden into the sunset. Yippee Kai Yay &#*@!
So basically, I'm no longer deflecting from what's really going on with me. I too bleed and hurt...and YES I can do all of that with the same class and style it takes to be reserved. ALWAYS a kween of the highest order.
*curtsying*
7 scopers scoping:
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
I been wanting you to be the one to let things out. I know sometimes I hate myself for being the one that always talk about my personal life. I can't help it. The point of it all is just be yourself. If you are hurt, by all means let it loose.
If you ever start to be more personal, It might be good for me. It might help me to understand how someone as beautiful as you can deal with everyday life. I know at times, I want to curl over...
Well I've always had a method to my madness. I didn't release "publicly" b/c at home I'd just vent. I'd cry, talk to myself, rationalize it in my head. But I have other things I do. Like listen to music, sing and cry. Write poetry that no one ever reads but me. Sometimes I clean...the process is almost cathartic...as if I'm cleaning ME with the house. Other things. I watch love stories or comedy...either one makes me remember that love exists and life is funny. I also tend to listen to other people's problems to take the focus off of being into my own.
AWWWWW SHIT!!!
Just remember, Babe, everything ain't for everybody to know. Some stuff you gotta kept between you and Jesus.
But honestly, I've come to realize that I feel BETTER about myself after I let certain things out about me, whether it be through talking or blogging. It's cheap therapy.
Trust me Wizzy...there are things I'll NEVER blog. Just out of respect for me and anyone involved. Yet, I do feel better being able to admit that right now I'm not at my Kween's best. That alone is a load off.
Sometimes you gotta do that. Maybe not everything, but it does help. Writer's therapy. It definitely works for me.
Yea, DEFINITELY not everything. LOL
I am beginning to feel better and heal...its all a process...the end shall come soon.
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