Love? Or Lock Down?

I have a question for the guys. This isn't a "male bashing" blog. No, we don't do that around here. We tell the truth about men and women alike. If it doesn't apply...don't apply it. If you can't use it...don't buy it.

Now...on to my question. Do some of you "ask" women to be your girlfriend because you really WANT her? Or do you ask her to "hold your seat"? Yea, I said it. LOL

Let me clarify. (Did you think I wouldn't?)

A guy asks a woman to be his woman. He dotes on her incessantly up UNTIL the point of officially asking her to be his. He's attentive, understanding, loving, chivalrous, all of that good romantic prelude that some men THINK we require for the courting. Not long after she relents and decides to stop playfully jogging in front of him (you know...for the chase) seems like he goes into comfort mode. Though he may still care for her, his idea of quality time dwindles from checking in several times daily and spending time with her with his head laid in her being inaccessible, "busy" and promising to see her...and failing epically. All of his openness and willingness to confide, turns into secrecy and an inability to consistently be what he was in the beginning. He prefers either the solitude of his own life...or the company of people she'll never meet.

So, Is this another episode of "The Representative"? Is this another case of a man doing it ALL to obtain and nothing to MAINTAIN? Now, remember my prefaced statement above. This is not a BASH...this is a question of motives and true intent. This is about how sometimes men (even though women do it, too) put their best foot forward and then eventually fall back for one reason or another. I personally, get tired of excusing these things with "he's busy", "he's afraid to commit", "he's got a hard time expressing his love", and things along that nature. If that was the case, then WHAT in the hell was that in the beginning? The too-good-to-be-true displays of affection, commitment and relentless pursuit now a wall of smoke too thick to see through to the other side. Is this a sign that he's tired? Or too lazy to continue the behavior he began with to keep the woman he longed for so badly once.

How fair is it to tell your woman, "I'm coming"...or "We will spend time soon, baby...I promise" like she's some thing to be penciled in at your whim? Is it that this kind of dude needs to know she's waiting, bated breath, moist thighs and twiddled thumbs...for him? Is it the security of making SURE she's hungry for her man so that he is shielded from his fear of rejection?

Okay, maybe I should've said I had questions...plural.  Either way, I know a lot of women, including myself...who would pay to know the answers. Was all of that NEED to be with her the need to make sure that no other dude could slide into home? Is that it? Make her think she's his woman, so that her sex remains molded to his? I've seen it. He wants to make sure that no other dude can come along and woo his woman, sex her down, etc...while he decides if she's really what he wants...or to secure that one person he can go to when he's in need of emotional, physical, mental, spiritual affection and security. It sounds like that whole "options" thing...where men are given a plethora of choices whilst the women fight amongst themselves for the slim pickings? I don't know...I'm just trying to make sense of it all. MAYBE, he's the guy who in spite of finding someone he's in love with...has a complex about sharing too much of himself and retracts into his own space to keep from giving too much away. Maybe, he's just private and not used to being in a relationship where he's expected to go beyond his own comfort zone. Who knows?!

I just want to it LOVE or is it LOCK DOWN???

12 scopers scoping:

Brother Odd said...

It's not something that is being done intentionally. Personally speaking, I have a host of things going on in my life that are bogging me down mentally and leave me drained. I haven't shared even a tidbit of the issues that are pressing upon me and I am pretty sure that placing the majority of my focus/attention on these issues is siphoning from attention and focus that I should be placing on my relationship. The irony is that even as I write this, I know I've been telling myself lately that I need to pay my S/o more attention. I think I need to start looking at this from a new perspective. I'm used to only seeing things from my vantage point. I need to see it from theirs and see how I'm disappointing/hurting/neglecting them. I definitely know that i would hate to lose the blessing that I've gained in having them by my side.

Before i start to go off on a rant up in here, I'm gonna just dwell on this blog right here.

Thanks Kween Kiwi


It depends on the details of the situation. I mean in this day and age we know how hectic things could be so maybe it's just a case of "fuck I got bills to pay". As that old song goes "I got work to do", is that always the case, hell no but sometimes it is a valid case, there is not gonna be any one single perfect answer to this series of questions.

The only thing one can do if they feel "locked down" but unattended, have a conversation and decided if they need to open up their options. If it is a case of "I just need to make sure I have a sheath available at times of need" then making sure the person understands that theirs is not the only sword on the docket will fix that problem.

It's 2010, that hoe shit is getting old. We can all read books, we can all look at the history of how things were as well and google how things are. Sometimes if you have a problem you have to open your mouth and not only make yourself heard but also have the spine to back up what it is your saying.

The squeakiest wheel gets the oil. The same as when a woman starts forgetting how good a guy you are that if you stop wasting your time talking to her voicemail, sending her text messages when she can't seem to remember you exist because "she's trying to advance her career and doesn't want to slow down", stop leaving open dates when you would normally do things with her and go out on your own.

If the cause of the bad behavior was the fact that you WERE willing to wait on them, then make sure they understand it's a past tense thing. Life is too short to hand someone else the keys to your life and desires and never take them back. Male or female it's your life if they don't want to go somewhere get your keys back and roll

Butterfly Effect said...

That good old fashion bait and switch tactic.. smh .. it only leaves you running around in circles longing for the things they displayed in the beginning only to learn they were not reality..

Loving the new theme, btw. :)

Thee_Kween said...

@Brother Odd~ I love your answer. It's real, it's what women need to's confessional. I hope reading this helped you get the other side. It's not that we need ALL of your attention, but we'd like some semblance of what we're used to. We love y'all. LOL

@PRIMAL~ I love this answer, too bro. I had the same response to it. It's about what you're willing to discuss, take and do. Thanks, hon.

@BE~ I'm glad you like the layout. I do, too. Same colors, but a little diff. :)

It's not so much that it's not "reality" as much as what Brother's the morphing of reality into what's required of us all on a daily basis. We get lost in the sauce sometimes and on our mission to get things done...we forget to remember to see the people that makes it all worth it.

Butterfly Effect said...

You are right Kiwi.. charge my cynic thinking to the half empty glass I keep drinking. :)

Thee_Kween said...

That's what I'm here for sis :)

Brother Odd said...

Well I know how my thinking process goes. When first meeting someone I'm interested in, yeah we talk daily (sometimes multiple times) to get to know all their is about that person. However, once you and they have shared a lot between each other, what else do you talk about IF you were to call/text/IM/email the same 4, 5, 6 times daily. Real talk, saying "I miss you" back & forth doesn't sustain a conversation for too long.

Personally, I'm not big on phones and talking 24/7. You run out of things to talk about and learn real quick. Put a little space and some hours between conversations so that when you do talk, you got stuff to share EQUALLY. At 9-10pm, we can't ask each other how your day was because we were on the phone throughout the day. I know exactly how your day was because we were connected at the cellular hip. Just the other day I called my shorty and asked her how was her work day and I really noticed that she don't say much besides "it was alright, it was boring, it was quiet, it was slow" (wash, rinse, repeat). When it go from talking about the customers, coworkers, bosses, lunch happenings to a simple 3-4 word statement ? That's one thing I know that irks me with my shorty. I tell her what I did throughout the day but when it comes time to reciprocate she don't.

I think I went on a rant... Time to sip on my happy juice and get back to this thing called work

Thee_Kween said...

@Brother~ You're right. Eventually your conversation becomes less introductory and more obligatory. It IS smart to put time between conversations. It is indeed true that distance makes the heart grow fonder...unless you're speaking of the emotional distance. People get accustomed to doing the same thing all of the time and it can be detrimental. Relationships thrive best off of what I like to refer to as Predictable Unpredictability. Planning to surprise each other with ways to remind one another how you feel. Even with all the conversation you CAN have with one person, there is always room for what's left out. ALSO, there's the fact that you're still individuals and are growing in your separate ways, in your separate lives. You with your job/career...her in hers. It IS imperative to share that day and be willing to babble on about the little things that irritated you so that you can sweep them out of the way of the relationship. Those little stresses can begin to weigh on you and end up being reason #1845 why couples argue over nothing. Built up, unreleased stress.

I hope your lady learns how to give that back. I hope you've expressed how important that is for you to know how her day is. Not just for idle chatter, but to know that she's let go of her day and is ready to enjoy the rest of the evening with her man.

I also feel like, even though we shouldn't expect anything to remain the same in a relationship (That's called stagnancy)...we want to change TOGETHER...if you sound lackluster (as you described your lady describing her day) then it's off-putting to the other person. They feel like they're boring you, or that you're no longer interested. Remember that even though we feel you love us...we (men and women) deserve to KNOW it and hear it from you in your words and in your efforts.

You can always rant're very welcome. Thank you for weighing in :)


Interesting blog sis...not much to add i'm reading the reponses shaking my head can consume your world and not getting the same back can make a sweetheart a heartless shell of a woman.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

I've wondered this also, good insight from the fellas.

Mahogani Blyss said...

Your majesty! I am loving this conversation. Very thought provoking. And I can definitely relate to how you feel and how some of the guys may feel. It's about finding a balance after the represenatives have went away and the "real" people show up to the relationship...


Nobody's Angel said...

In my last relationship I went from being in love to becoming a representative due to me working my tail off to pay all the bills (she wasn't working). SO I took that in consideration that if you are with someone you have to spend time with that person. So once I did that, I was treated like a second class citizen.Turns out I wasn't her flavor anymore so I left. Next go around I have to find an equally yoked person to share my life with.

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