...began in the beginning of Spring.
I don't need to wait until the clock strikes 12am, January 1st, 2011 for me to put some things into motion. If I waited all year for the New Year to chime in...JUST to change my life...that would be pretty damn dumb. I get what resolutions are about, but truth is...when things are deferred...it's out of sight out of mind. Old habits cling to you like funk on an old trick. My ex, Ali told me once, "It takes 21 days to form a habit...and just as long to break it". If I put myself in the habit of reconfiguring my thoughts, actions, spiritual disposition...then, I can slowly but surely morph into whom it is I strive to be.
What's going down and NOT going down is as diverse as people are. Some shit will never make it across my threshold. For as long as I live, some signs don't have to come in waves. One or two flags will get you dismissed. I've got many things that I've learned and am still learning, but I've got a pretty good idea as to what it is I will not have in my life.
My focus HAS to be on ME. I've been a caretaker for a very long time. To the detriment of my own spiritual and mental health, I've lent myself to a lot of people and situations that never deserved my ADD attention...let alone my full focus. I've learned and am STILL learning (the theme of life)...that people do exactly what they want. I've learned that no matter how tight you think you are with people or how much you love and thought you were loved...everyone is capable of choosing something or someone other than you. What motivates those choices isn't my focus any longer...just the way I deal with it.
I hope the men are paying attention to THIS one in particular. I've had it. I'll be 38, God willing on January 10th and I'm so very exhausted. I'd rather live in the woods with Bambi anem, eating twigs and berries...scratching my ass with my own hoof...than to deal with crap any longer. If you're bored, in between make ups/break ups with the S/O, are looking for guiltless sex, but are using romance as the lure (I'd prefer you tell me I'm attractive and you wanna bed me. Will you get rejected? Who knows...but be a big boy about it) ...if you're looking to conquer the kween...whatsoever drives you aimlessly in my direction...DON'T! Pass me over. Don't waste my time. I've been nice in the past...but, I WILL blast/blog/status your ass this go round. Why? Well, because if women stood up more to the bullshit...men would get away with much less. You will not roll up and claim to want to get to know me better and then say a week later on FB "in a relationship". (Yea, I'm talking to you...) That shit didn't happen overnight. Don't play with people's emotions...you may not like what you get in return.
I have always been the person that considers. I consider the FULL picture. I search the spectrum of scenarios before I make a move in any direction. That's called CHESS. You wanna play checkers? Go to the park. I'm sure an old head will oblige you. I, on the other hand am not dealing in any penny ante games of cat and mouse, pride and prejudice, war and peace...etc. lol
Life snatched some rugs from up under me this year and though I'm strong...I'm a little worn. The Capricorn in me had me holding on with clenched fingertips to people and things. I can't. It's not in the cards. I used to call it quitting...now, I call it survival.
Unlike last year, I will not "claim" this year as mine. I said it would be all about me in 2010 and it wasn't. It was all about loss. Well not ALL about loss. I lost relationships and I lost a huge part of my heart when my grandmother died. I found some cool people to add to my circle of trust. *channeling Meet The Fockers* LOL
Then again...perhaps it WAS about me. Maybe, God removed my proverbial bush to see where my heart was. I hope I passed, God. I tried. I prayed for my naysayers, I forgave, and I never denied You. I guess this year was about my walk with Him. 2010...10...it's the number that follows 9. It's the 1 and the cipher 0...1's new beginning. Indeed, it was about me. Now let's see if I can "master" 2011. (11 is a master number, since the 1 is repeated and strengthened). Yea, I'm into a little Numerology. Don't judge me. lol
Happy New Year!