Sometimes...I just DON'T want to be the bigger person. If I gave you percentages for how much I DO take the high road...it would be somewhere around the 98th percentile. I apologize, I check for, I shrug off PLENTY...but, sometimes...I deserve for folks to do that for ME. When the hell is someone gonna apologize to ME for once? ::hmph::
I have seen folks hold me to SUCH a high ass standard and then let fly-by-night folks get away with MURDER! WHAT is THAT about? I'm a little pissed right now and maybe if I just rant a little, it'll go away. (I hope)
By NATURE I care. I love. I love folks so much that it could almost seem disingenuous to someone who isn't used to love. Everyday of my life I'm asking God for temperance...forgiveness and understanding and I try to give that to my fellow man...but some days, I feel like saying "whatever". Why should "I" be the one to be the "bigger person". Aren't I already physically weighty? LOL Why I gotta keep digging down into MY spiritual pocket for change of heart? Some of the folks that I've loved have done me DIRTY! I have let some go and some others...we've moved on past the hurts. What I've found is a recurring theme...is that those same folks who get mad at ME for being hurt by THEM...allow OTHERS to hurt them worse than anything I would ever do. Yet...they forgive THEM.
Look. Before I go any further...I love y'all. I know that this is a public forum and I'm opening up my situation for dissection. What I don't want to hear right now is the whole "Season, Reason, Lifetime" shit. Save that for a day when Kween is more receptive to her OWN normal dogma. Today...I'm a woman with hurt feelings and a need to vent...
All, I'm saying...is I am always made to feel like I'm the WORSE person and it's annoying as hell when MY record says I've done all I could, been supportive, been (at times) the SOLE cheerleader on a team of one and the moment a misunderstanding goes down, or time passes and I leave them to the choices they've made...I look up to see folks with AT-TEE-TOOD. Especially, when I'm thinking shit is okay.
I've gotta learn to let shit go. I soak up all kinds emotions from so many people and places [empath energy] so sometimes it's a little hard to pack it up and drop it off. I'm getting better at it...but, I'm human. My chest doesn't encase a titanium heart...I AM affected by the things people say and do to me.
I suppose, I need to be grateful for those who DO show me the kind of love I give...and not worry on the foolishness of other people's pride and inability to see me for who I am. Forgiveness is always for you. That's what I tell my friends. I guess I must tell myself the same thing. I am learning that forgiveness doesn't have to be spoken for it to take effect. Though...some apologies need to be heard...and even if no one did anything specific, there's a point where you concede and either move on or rebuild. I'm seeing that folks are doing a pretty damn good job of moving on, so that's what I have to do, too.
Thanks for reading...or not.