I can honestly say that I tend to forgive myself for the very things I forgive others for. Sometimes it's a lapse of judgment or memory. Sometimes it's a selfish act that brings about immediate regret and sometimes it's just not knowing any better.
Yet, there is one thing I have to forgive myself for that I tend to kick myself in the ass about. To date it's the worst crime of all, because it's part sin and equal hypocrisy. *hanging head in shame*
...I had an emotional affair with a married man.
For months, we talked, bonded and became dependent on each other for the emotional support we didn't feel anyone else was giving us. It started out as a friendship...and snowballed into loving moments that eventually resulted in us meeting. We were intensely attracted to one another...but something was wedged between us that wouldn't allow us to go any further. I'm thankful for that "intervention" because I know that I would have NEVER forgiven myself if that would've happened.
I ended things. Mostly because I seriously couldn't live with myself. I couldn't sleep. It haunted me. I'm such a believer in love and marriage and family...and here I was..."Ms. Kween of Love"...betraying the very thing I yearned for. That alone...was reason for me to get it together. How...HOW could I ask God to give me a dutiful and faithful husband, while I was doing "THIS". No way. This isn't who I am. This isn't how I live. My moment of weakness had allowed me to be consumed by something that was out of my character and I despised myself in my thoughts behind it. So I let it go...unfortunately, a couple of other friendships suffered in the middle of it all and I found myself (in my opinion) paying almost immediately for my sin.
Wow...what a truth. I hope everyone else is keeping it this real or my ass is gonna be the example of the challenge for how real NOT to be. lmao
I'm a lover AND a fighter...I like the folks most don't. I walk to the beat of a drummer....who isn't REALLY in the band, but got the best beats. I am big on love..."I see you" where you're at...hopefully this blog helps you to see me, as well. Either Love me...or leave me alone!
Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik