...but, we just drifted.
This truth blog is taking it out of me. Not in a negative way...but in a "let me get this shit out" kinda way. I've been spilling the beans like a clumsy chef and I like it. :)
There are a few people who fit this description.
It's hard...VERY hard, when you're bonded in a unique way. In a way that makes you question how in the world this person embodies the capacity to tap into you...understand you and be present in thought, heart and soul even when they're physically or geographically apart from you. I've had a couple of people who came into my life over the past few years who made indelible impressions on my heart. One was a woman who I met online AND had the chance to meet. Misunderstandings wandered between us in slow motion the way invisible walls spring up from undetectable boundaries. You never know exactly when and where they do...but, something comes into play and shakes the foundation of your bond causing a chasm. Only recently have she and I begun mending fences. I can't speak for her, but when we broke ties...it was almost as bad as breaking up with a boyfriend. It's almost worse. When you let someone into your spiritual family and something (especially something that turned out to be the most trivial thing) knocks you down...it's hard to let go. I don't know what I see for she and I...but, I'm always open to healing wounds.
The other person? Well, he was the guy I spoke of in my previous truth. He was the one who "treated me like shit". *still not sure how I feel about the harshness of that*
Before he and I got to a point where we were holding on for the sake of holding on...there was this person who extended concern to me that I wasn't used to. The daily checks in. The way he needed to find the silliest ways to say the most heartfelt things. Cheering me up through laughter, feigning jealousy, speaking to me in his old man voice, calling me while I slept to say things he didn't think I heard. It all was this beautiful symphony of idiosyncrasies that sang a sonnet of his songs to my poetic heart...until I found out this is what "he does". I like to say......that finding out his words echoed in the ears of other women...is simply the way he communicates. I think he seriously doesn't see anything wrong with extending the same sense of "concern" to more than one person. I mean, the shit works. LOL I reasoned that the way he breathes concern into your day from afar is just the way he does it because...well...you're far. The other part of me feels like the cookie-cutter shenanigans are now memories that are more bitter than sweet, because they never belonged solely to me. Eventually, we drifted like driftwood...miles further than where we started, water-logged from being submerged in salty waters. Dried from the beaten sun...lonely from the disorientation of not knowing what's next.
The third person...was my friend since childhood. We grew up in the same building and became fast friends. After almost two decades of friendship...we let it go. For me (because I can't speak for her) it in my opinion was due to the fact that...she never seemed to appreciate my friendship. Our last heated exchange, left her saying hurtful words to me that I didn't know she was capable of. I'd been there for her in her darkest hours...and not for nothing...she'd been there through mine. I just got tired of her making light of my friendship and making it all about her. Her most detrimental mistake? Looking down her nose at me...pitying my situation. Don't EVER...EVER, look down at me with tunneled vision. EVER!! Not even in my darkest moments have I ever pitied myself. I've felt a little low to the ground, yes...but, I never looked at myself as someone who needed to be pitied and given charity friendship. I'm VERY present in my friendships and relationships. I participate like one of the starting five off of a championship team. I give my all and take that shit to the hoop like my career depends on it...so, that was it for me. I love her like a sister to this day...but some shit I'll never forget.
Didn't want to let go...it just happened.
Labels: blogs, challenge, day_nine, drifting, estrangement, friendships, kween kiwi, life, relationships