I don't know y'all...this truth thing is getting serious. I don't know how anyone can do this and not be raw dog honest. Maybe that speaks to who I am as a person (Thank God for His influence)...but, I can't just say that I'll tell the truth and then tiddlywink this challenge. So, I inhale and exhale as I form the courage to speak from the heart...
When I was with my ex of 8 1/2yrs...it didn't take me long to forgive him for the hell he inflicted. He was an addict and having come from an addicted dad...I understood the disease. The forgiveness came from a place of understanding. I understood that he wasn't lucid. He wasn't always responsible for his own behavior due to being under the influence.
What's the excuse for someone seemingly sober? I say seemingly, because I never laid eyes on him. I don't know if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict or a sex addict or addicted to lie-telling. All I know is that I spent almost 3yrs waiting for him to make a move he never had intentions on making. Sure, he'll say he did...but, actions are the definition of love...not words. Affection...the act or state of affecting (a verb), influencing, giving a display of emotion. This dude lied about his "love" for me. He lied about the ring he sent, the love he claimed, the time he promised, the life we planned...and guess what? I'm okay with that. I'm over the concept of being is woman, needing his love, expecting his presence.
I'm not quite sure I've forgiven him for the senselessness in which his lies were rooted. I always say, "We could've remained friends..." but, I know that friends don't do what he did. Friends don't pretend to love you and then play you against other women behind your back. Friends don't DO what they're doing...and then turn around and TRY to make you feel like it's your "crazy" mind and not his crazy lies. I'm having a hard time with that one. Knowing what was going on in spite of his denial of such...was my comfort. To have him often accuse me of being "insecure" and "needing tangibility" (um...what the fuck? Yea...dude...you live in Alabama. I live in New York...damn right I want some tangibility. Were we going to get married via phone? Send our specimens to the lab and have test tube babies and mail them to and fro? Live in an e-home, take e-vacations and have e-sex?) was often a slap in my face.
Yea...just thinking about that stuff makes me shake my head. I don't even hate him. I really don't. There's a space of love for him within my heart...right along side other humans I care for. I just wonder how a person could tell such intent and disruptive lies and smile in public like it's okay. How can you dismantle someone's heart and without conscience...turn around and try and convince them it's their own fault? That seems cruel to me...which is something I'll never wrap my mind around.
I'm almost there...but on a rough day, I feel like kicking the proverbial door in on someone's life and exposing the truth of what he's done.
Most days...I'm just fine. EVERY day, I'm better off without him.