Missing: A Family

I'm ready to stop lying to myself. I want a family.

I come from a line of single mothers. My mother, grandmother and great-grandmother were primarily single mothers. My paternal grandmother took on single motherhood...only after divorcing my grandfather when my dad and uncle were barely teens. I've seen a lot of good kids come from this family on both sides. I've seen some bad apples, too. Truth be told, my issue with "saying" I didn't want a family had nothing to do with the supposed "cycle" of single motherhood. It didn't come from my fear of not being able to be a good mom. It came from the fear of not being able to have any. I just always wondered when I'd get a chance to be a mom and it's never been an option. At 36, its decreasing with the hours and I just decided to find my "maternal instincts" in the beauty of being a godmom.




Syre...my little prince. He'll be 2 on May 12th. In 2007, he was born prematurely by 2 months. He fought for his life. Two surgeries and almost 5 months later, he came home. While he was hospitalized, a really nice lady online informed me that his name meant; "Oxygen; breath of life". How befitting, right? I didn't get to see him much. Just a few times...all because they lived in Washington, DC...too far for anyone to travel at the time. Then, January 12th...I went down to sit for him. Two months in DC with the baby who is becoming a little boy. Yet...helping his mom out, turned out to be more for me. I came home once for an appointment, returning on the 12th of February...my sister's birthday. I stayed until March 16th. At first, I thought...I'm never having kids. He wore me out. Now, that I'm home...I miss him like crazy...but not as much as I miss the family I never had.

I hear my girls talk about their kids. I have people from Facebook ask, "Do you have kids, Kali?". I see babies and children with their parents and marvel at their bonds. I see little kids who don't have a mom...or a dad...and I wonder, why? I wonder why people are given the chance to procreate and then don't want to stick around for the process of life...but, people who can't have children have all this love to give and no children to give it to.

Yea, I know thats the way life goes. There's not real rhyme or reason to it...not one that mere mortals can impart. How it is, is how it will be until there is no more. It doesn't keep me from longing or missing what wasn't. It doesn't keep me from wanting to hear a little boy or girl call me "mommy". The desire to have my child's face light up at the accomplishment of learning the smallest thing isn't quieted. SO...Whoever said you never miss what you never had...didn't know a damn thing...and clearly had everything.