...I think that I've finally wrapped my mind around the fact that relationships aren't for me.
I've championed the cause of love for years...and honestly, I still do believe that love is there for others. I just don't think that there's a man out there for me.
Ever felt this way? NOTHING works out? Not the up close and personal tries...not the long-distance Internet tries...nothing. I'm either a magnet for Lotharios who live proudly in the life of lying and manipulating or the ones who start out with bachelor tendencies and settle down with the NEXT chick. (Starting to feel like "Good Luck Charlie").
I've decided that the life I have is enough...
Well, technically...for so long (save moments of wanderlust and yearning in the quiet of my own life) I've been by myself. I haven't been in an on-going "relationship" since 2002. I've spent the last 9 years dating, falling in love with a couple of guys online and more or less being skimmed over by Cupid's dastardly bow. There's no other way to put it then that the problem HAS to be me.
I'm not taking blame for the liars, cheaters, manipulators, or fuck-offs. I'm simply saying that I understand the dynamic of relationships enough to know that "folks ain't just picking on me". There's clearly a lesson I'm lacking to learn here and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life learning it if I don't go back into my "spiritual lab" and reconfigure some chemical atoms that make up my combustive love life.
I've GOT to be doing something wrong y'all...so, I've decided a few things:
~> No more flirting online or off. Flirting gets you into trouble...especially when you've gone so long between relationships. The fiery enthralling of flirtatious fervor can make your lady parts burn with desire...and your brain cells burn out from the shit that comes with it. So, go 'head...nothing to see here.
~> NO more online friendships with men are to be initiated or welcomed. I have a couple of guy friends whom I care for and the truth is...we're better off as friends. Neither of them have ever expressed a desire to be with me and though we've probably had some minor chemistry at one point...we've elected mutually to have our friendship and be okay with it. If you're not already down with "thee crown"...that's it. Sorry...can't help ya.
~> Continue on the BEAUTIFUL path of self-love, friend and familial love I'd been on earlier in the summer of 2011 before I became "distracted". I was feeling my freedom and digging my heels into finally being over the ex for going on a year or more...and I don't think I basked in that enough.
~> Follow my gut. I have my own standards and they are mine. My friends have theirs. I can't be convinced to "give anyone a chance" when everything is screaming no. If my instincts say no, follow them. I can't pacify friends and family so they feel like I'm not settling on loneliness. I actually ENJOY my dang company. Those who REALLY know me, know that I will disappear for a few days and it'll have NOTHING to do with being sad or depressed. I'm somewhere singing at the top of my lungs, writing, watching movies and being some kinda creative. :)
It's not that I'm giving up. I know it seems that way...but the truth is that, I'm accepting the stumbles as a clue to have a seat...a fancy seat...a THRONE. Once I do that...maybe...JUST maybe...God will seat my king beside me without my even realizing that's what He was doing.
For now...Love...I'll have to admire you from afar in the arms of lovers passing. ~blows kisses~
I'm a lover AND a fighter...I like the folks most don't. I walk to the beat of a drummer....who isn't REALLY in the band, but got the best beats. I am big on love..."I see you" where you're at...hopefully this blog helps you to see me, as well. Either Love me...or leave me alone!
Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik