Crime: Time Framed

I am 37yrs old. The statistics on my romantic life are pretty simple. I look back in retrospect and realize the the times I thought I was IN LOVE...were infatuations, misguided companionship or friendship gone wrong. I still wonder if I've ever truly been IN LOVE. I've had one major relationship (this includes physical meeting, sex, monogamy and including but not necessarily co-habitation). In spite of feelings I've felt...a true relationship is not all inclusive without physical consummation. And, though I have fallen a few times since...I can say that those were just trips with a little knee scraping. So, again...the depth of love I've experienced is still being measured...just like time.

Over time...I have wondered exactly WHEN it was that I realized things. It took me to get out of those entanglements...sometimes years realize my "love" was heavy like, lust or friendship. Then I wondered...when in long DOES it actually take before you "know" that you've found something special?

My girl and I were IM'ing one evening and she mentioned something about how she and her dude would be discussing their relationship's future soon. I guess because they are approaching several months to a year and she feels now is the time to discuss the direction of their relationship. I agree with her thinking. We are NOT in high school anymore. Us 30-40 somethings taking years to decide whether we're serious about someone or not...need to get it together. It doesn't take all of that. By now, we have a pretty good idea as to what we need, want, don't need and don't want. So, why all the time passed? Why make someone waste years of their life all so you can selfishly hang on to them while "figuring it out". And for the record...when folks (male or female) want someone...they make themselves accessible or they GO for it. People who want you...WANT to be with/near you.

Is it really worth it to drag out connections to supplement gaps in your life? Is it really worth it to bide time in a delusional facade of a "relationship" to be able to say you're not alone? At what point in the frame of time you're with you ask, wonder or realize that you're not in the relationship you deserve to be in?

I guess the penalty for committing time frame MORE time being miserable.

12 scopers scoping:

25champ said...

Well sometimes people take time because of previous relationships...not to say its fair, but those previous relationships have to be considered. In my case I was previously married to what I thought was my 1 true love, but the marriage didn't work after 4yrs and 10 years over all. I think that that fear is sometimes what causes prevents us from moving forward. It's easy to say if you love them then it's that simple, but I thought I was in love the first time around. So now I'm extra cautious. Maybe I'm not being fair, but It is hard to get unmarried and I don't ever want to go through that again. Great Post!

Da_Kween said...

I know that there are underlying causes to why people do what they do in relationships...but, if you want to be in one...then at SOME point, you've gotta put away the baggage and live. If you're THAT uncertain about commitment...perhaps it's a good time to remain single and figure it out instead of test-driving people's emotions. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or judgmental, but being in the position of being "put off" in the leaves a bad taste in my mouth to know that people give excuses for giving all of themselves. We've all been hurt in some way before...but, that doesn't mean that we get to create uncertainty and insecurity in people by treating them in a way that makes them feel unwanted. It can also makes a person feel like they're not worthy of someone's undivided attentions and love. I'm not saying that there aren't reasons...but, if the reasons are deep enough to cause hesitancy toward commitment...perhaps one should just remain single or date around openly....without giving false hope to others openly giving of themselves.

(the "you" in this response is general) LOL

Luvologist said...


In my humble opinion, we place so much emphasis on age we lose sight on why we are here. For example:

In our 20's we should've already had our mate. In our 30's we should've already been married and had children. In our 40's we should've brought our first home and our 401k should be at around 100 grand.


I think when we stop try to define our lives by how old we are instead of defining our lives by how far along we are in our purpose this world will be a much better place.

Da_Kween said...

Well, I mentioned my age, Luvy as a barometer for time...not so much as a measuring stick for what I have or don't. I am certainly with the concept of allowing your purpose to be the teller of your story in life. Who you inspire/get inspired by, etc.

This particular post (for clarification) is that at a certain time in our lives, we should have a better grasp on what we want...and if we don't (because that's okay, too) then we shouldn't drag people into our confusion.

If you need to figure out years into a relationship the BASIC components of love...then perhaps you [generally] should try being single and dating openly and honestly instead of hiding behind the fear of loneliness with a substandard union...or at least one where you may be cheating your mate of what they deserve all b/c you're not being honest about your feelings/intentions. This is a look at both sides. The deluded and the one who deludes.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

DaKween, I agree with you and back you.

You said, "Why make someone waste years of their life all so you can selfishly hang on to them while "figuring it out".

You answered the question: selfishness. Pure, bullshit, unadulterated selfishness. Most of these guys ain't trying to figure out jack; they simply don't want to risk losing the sexual aspect by telling you they have zero intention of marrying you.

Girl, my father was a player. He strung along one woman through two marriages for 40 years. One day he was really showing off. I watched him call two other girlfriends and then his 3rd wife, one after the other, and tell all three he loved them. He even told one she'll be the next Mrs. He got off the phone laughing his azz off. For him it, like a lot of men, it was just a game and easy access to getting free punani.

That whole argument above, btw, of "we should stop try to define our lives by how old we are" is more bullshit and a method to sucking the youth out of a woman like a vampire, then move onto to a fresher face.

Damn, I long for a return to the days when women married young and as virgins. The marriages might not have worked out perfectly, but there was less sexual exploitation and the kids had fathers. Hell, not 70% of black kids are grow up in single parent households and a bunch of women who delay childbirth until marriage end up with neither.

You also said, "And for the record...when folks (male or female) want someone...they make themselves accessible or they GO for it. People who want you...WANT to be with/near you."

That's the man you need to find. I'm not a regular churchgoer by a longshot, but if I had to do it again, that's where I'd go to find a marriage-minded man. A big black church too, not a little one, I don't care how good the pastor is. Skip worrying about whether it's hypocritical or not, I'll make an assumption that you love God and He loves you enough to want you to find love in His house.

Also go to where the men are: tennis courts, chess clubs, working as a civilian on a military installation, etc. Be out and about as much as possible, because chances are, he ain't gonna come knocking at your door.

Anyway, I'd guess that if mutual chemistry and passion wasn't there in the first couple months, and if you want a shot at having a child (don't know if already do or not) don't waste a minute waiting for it to magically appear. Good luck.

Da_Kween said...

WOW...I LOVE you girl!!! LOL You put it DOWN on the kaleidoscope today!!!

*secret* I've felt like that at a dude I was into...was telling other chicks the same ish on the phone, fronting for the folk in the room...all for him to giggle or wave his hand. It bothered me so much...that I quit him. He probably doesn't know that is why I did it, but if I even THINK that about's quite possible that you've displayed noncommittal behavior that made me feel some kinda way. After you feel like THAT...why stay? Nowadays, I'd prefer a real friendship with a guy than an "all talk" relationship.

...and no, no kids. I've all but given up on that. I'm good though...if it happens it does...if not, so be it.

Kit (Letters To A Young Sista) said...


And don't give up If you really want a kid; chase that dream hard cause you can't turn back the bio-clock once you hit 39, even though you're still young and got decades to go.

Da_Kween said...

((hugs back))

I used to want a kid, but I'm really okay with whatever comes. If it's meant to will be. I have my godson and he's a blessing. He's my "inheritance". lol

Mahoganydymond said...

I am guilty of this.. I said that if I didn't get married or have children by 25.. I would never have it.. I believe because I spoke it made it happen...

Now as far as hanging on to a relationship just to say I am not alone.. I did it for 6 years. I was hoping and praying that he would one day say I want you as my wife.. As you know it never happened.. What hurts me most... I was never that special woman in his life.. Yet it took someone off the internet a few months to be just that..

I am here now trying to pick up the pieces of my life back up.. 6 years of false hopes, and a brokenheart...

Da_Kween said...

I guess to an extent Mah...we know these things in the middle of it all. Excuses are a coward's way of letting you down easy. A MAN will fight for you...fight toward whatever he's got to do to make sure you don't get away. It's a hard realization...but, a true one.

Butterfly Effect said...

Kiwi, we know within months if that person is the one. All that other time wasted is just that...time wasted.

Da_Kween said...

I believe that, BE. We know pretty quickly whether we're seeing long term in our heads.

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