Recently, I began writing my "memoirs". I kinda hate that word. It's too fancy. I'm just writing 'bout my life. lol
I've been writing this for about a month and I am not chronicling the entirety of my 39yrs...just a portion of it. The only thing is...that I've had to take a step back at least twice. Once I began writing about this specific time in my life...all of the memories (wait...I just saw the word memoir in memories *DING!*) ...began flooding in. The deluge of these mental frames has me dreaming vividly...graphically...about that time and the people in it.
I'm reconsidering this particular trip down memory lane. I have come so far in the way of forgiving those involved in that time of my life, but SHIT...the dreams are killing my sleep. I remember a time when I couldn't get to sleep (my trauma laughing in the face of my Narcoleptic disorder) due to the fears related to abuse from a past relationship. Try FINALLY drifting off to sleep after hours of sitting alone in the dark like O__O only to dream that someone is coming for you violently where you sleep. Yea...I went from O__O to -___- to @__@...
Then you have the feelings...yea...THOSE feelings. Remembering the love and chemistry between yourself and someone who brought you pain. It's like reliving it all over again. Feeling the love, the fear, the lust, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the relief, the abandonment, the fear again. It doesn't help that the story spans TWO significant loves.
I look back at what I've experienced and shake my head in laughter at those whom think I've never been through anything. MAN...you have NO damn idea!! The glory in my story is that I don't use my past pains for sympathy, attention and pity. I don't wear it on my sleeve like a bad patch. I'm the kind of person who refuses to give a person the kind of power that renders me immobile. I dare not give over control of my life to someone who was too weak to power drive their OWN life's ship. Someone whose weakness made them feel that alienating someone and abusing them was the only way to keep someone around. I say it to friends and I've said it to myself as a reminder...if you believe in God, then you have to know that God is Love and through Him, love is limitless. Even though it feels like you'll never love, trust or be okay again when heartbreak has taken it's toll...you can. All you have to do is know that love did not originate nor does it solely reside in the person who was the object of your affections. The love we have in others starts with God and then through us. Self love.
I feel like this story needs to be written. I'll vaguely say that the story is dealing with the domestic abuse I endured. I wrote about some of it during Domestic Violence month one year. I know that testimonies are only testimonies because they're told. Being able to say what you've been through and that you've survived is a blessing that is best shared. I just hope that when I REALLY get down to the details that make this story what I need it to be, that I don't lose too much sleep doing it.
I'm a lover AND a fighter...I like the folks most don't. I walk to the beat of a drummer....who isn't REALLY in the band, but got the best beats. I am big on love..."I see you" where you're at...hopefully this blog helps you to see me, as well. Either Love me...or leave me alone!
Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik