AS USUAL...a lot of my inspiration for blogs comes from convos with my sistar circle. I swear, Joy needs to be my co-author on this here Kaleidoscope...lol.
We were talking and talking...and laughing and stuff...and we got to talking on what I affectionately call "researching".
Y'all know what it is. When you're in a relationship or in the beginning stages of one and you follow dude's trail to see what's what. (Don't get it twisted...I've found out that a LOT of men "research", too).
I think in this day and age of cyber-hook ups and e-cheating...when a woman or man sees something suspicious looking, it's smart to "research". Some call it being "nosy", "paranoid", "insecure", etc...but, sometimes you need to make sure that your instincts are just THAT and NOT the former adjectives of dysfunction. I've heard folks say, "Well, if you have to ask you already know the question..." but that's not always the case. Sometimes, we're just used to what's been given and it's not as clear as a bell. I believe that dating via internet has changed the dynamic of how we view information as it relates to intuition and feelings. It's almost commonplace for a person to Google or do a background check on their intended.
In my last relationship, I remember that I saw a lot of things that didn't sit well with me. I'm a patient person so a lot of the small things got cataloged in my mental archive for a later date. Being the informational sponge that I am, my interest was piqued. Sometimes, I wonder if it was JUST love that made me stick around or the ending to the story. *blame the writer in me for that one*...Things that were said to me, scenarios presented, people shrugged off as "nothing to worry about"...were later excavated for "research".
Some shit is simple. You see a dude doing you wrong...you just go ahead and take it for face value...but, it's not always that simple. When you're getting to know someone, you take them at their word until they show you differently. (At least that's how I operate) When he says that's his cousin, his best friend forever, his childhood buddy...O_O...you say, "Okay...well, tell me more..."
If once you inquire within for more info and his or her story becomes suspiciously fictitious...then, you may "research". For me, it was hearing him tell me that one chick was from his old neighborhood and a family friend...yet, every chance she got...she eluded to them being a couple. She seemed to be joking and other times dead serious...but, still one more subtle declaration. I could see her being the type to sing that stupid ass Mokenstef song, "He's mine...you may have had once but I have him all the time...". Yea, that's a dumb ass song. ANYWAYS...she clearly wouldn't let up. Even befriended me on MySpace. I KNOW that chick could see all the looooove I left him, but she pretended to believe what he had to have been telling her. "She's just my friend...and co-host" *__*
Eventually, I ended up on her blog (she began following me and I subsequently followed her back in an attempt to take her for what he said she was) and then one day I saw it. BIG OLE "I LOVE Blankety Blank". He said it was a friendly love. I say fuck that...friends don't swoon when you sing to them...but, alas...he was jackass #1 for lying and I was jackass #2 for remaining as long as I did in that non-relationship. I knew better though...so I continued to "research". Between their lovey-dovey comments and that "inside track" I had on his doings...I ended things. For a few months anyway. (Stupid is as stupid was) When I finally ended it...it was NOT because of the "childhood friend"...but, because of the "chick that he didn't know". He denied that woman until he couldn't any longer...and now, they've got a child together. Wow...what a way to not know someone, right? LOL
I recount this to kinda lead up to something. I as a woman, have intuition...and truthfully, it's a very STRONG intuition. Sometimes bordering on psychic. Yet, when you try telling people around you such things you get pigeon-holed. Remember the adjectives above? I became, "nosy", "paranoid", "insecure"and my FAVORITE...a stalker. Nah, never that...but, when I'm lied to I feel the gloves come off. I can prove my shit...because liars...especially self-proclaimed intellectual ones, tend to fuck up on arrogance alone. They pride themselves on being 3 steps ahead. I'm from the school of, "I ain't gotta say shit...but watch me". I don't have to reveal my "research". I APPLY my "research". I take nothing for granted when it comes to meeting people on and off the internet. If a person isn't online, then my other senses heighten. I LISTEN to what's being said and to what's NOT being said...and see actions. *ooooh ACTIONS, remember ACTIONS?*
For instance...One cat rolled up on me in the supermarket. Stood and talked to me while I waited for a cab. Wanted to go out with me and such. Gave me his number. At the point I'm at NOW after ALL of the shenanigans and "research" and using such info and confirmed events to verify my gut...it doesn't take long to ferret out the assholes. My past "research" skills paid off in spades in so many ways. The supermarket cat never made it to a first date. Why?
~ He could never keep a promise to call
~ He asked me out via text (no...you will NOT e-woo me)
~ When I decided to GIVE him a chance in SPITE of the text woo...he still fell short. Didn't respond on time and THEN asked me to come to his house for our first "date". HELL NO!! I don't know you and you don't know me. I might bring some mofos to case yo shit and rob you blind...God KNOWS what you'll do to ME!
~ When I brought these points to his attention...his answer was quite trite. "I'm not a phone person and I'm a homebody".
That may have been true enough...but, the truth for ME is that...I deserve to be wooed. I deserve a DATE. I didn't care if we met and had coffee and dessert. I didn't care if we hung out at a park and got hot dogs...but, me kicking it in your home without knowing you is no way to woo a lady. I could see that becoming the norm and to me that is just another form of "hiding" a woman. Nope. Not I.
I didn't need to "research" that. The red flags were there. He claims he wasn't married, but something was afoot. I simply learned to trust my gut. To do the minimal research and not invest time in a bottomed out market.
I learned through all of that "research" that every feeling I had about a situation was right. It ended right where I suspected it would...in a pile of bullshit.
LADIES and GENTS...in this day and age...do NOT be afraid to "research". You see that dude on your girl's page that ALWAYS has lustful comments and she never puts him in his place...don't be surprised if you find out about an inbox-affair. Ladies, you see that chick that looks like if she could lie down in your man's lap...she would...but, she can't even acknowledge you on a post...yea, she might be an issue. I ain't tryna start no shit, but come now...we're adults. If you're in a committed relationship...you LOVE this person...this is your future, potentially...you're not going to let man, woman, dog nor cat...disrespect or give your significant other the impression that there's more to the connection than it really is. I found out...that if something bothers you and you TELL your love that it does, they should move on it. Immediately. Don't ask me if I'm tripping. Don't tell me I'm insecure. If I bring something to your attention...handle that. A real woman will understand and step to the side and be happy for you. A dude who is "just a friend" will not start throwing out disrespectful comments about your chick if he's not interested. We all know when a new love is on the scene. Pay attention. It's right there to be seen. Otherwise, you gonna make me do some "research" on your ass.
What? It's for scientific purposes!!! ;)
"If you tell someone that something hurts you and they do nothing to change their behavior...they don't CARE about you..." ~Madea