|My love tree just keeps growing...and growing...and growing :)|
I know it's been a long time! I haven't been blogging a lot. Life has been dictating that so I'm not really sorry...just missed you guys!
I just gotta tell you. I love the way life shows you what you need to see. Over and over again, I am shown things even when I'm second-guessing myself. I've got great instincts and a lot of empath and psychic energy. I feel a lot and often say, "Nah...stop thinking too much Kiwi". Mostly because for a long time when I'd SHARE these things, people would say that. "You're thinking too much girl..." I should know better than to question myself but from time to time, I do. So God be doing things...moving things...proving things. I get it, Lord...I get it.
I'd been reflecting recently on everything around me. My friends, my family and my lack of love life which really isn't a lack of love...just a male symbol of love...because I'm in a love affair with myself. I dig me. I date me. I seduce me. I flirt with me. I tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm im'poe'tant. LOL
Don't get me wrong...a girl misses the niceties and novelty beauty of love, but I'm so happy just being able to say I'm blessed...that I don't dwell on it often. I have my moments when I get lonely for a good hug, kiss, cheek stroke or *ahem* "stroking"...but, that's human. As long as we're in this skin, we'll crave or at least consider...needing someone else.
I learned recently that my blessons (blessed lessons) are vast and deep. I've learned the art of love and loss...the art of friendship and loss...and the never to be mastered "art" of losing family. Every day my heart aches for my grandmother, but I know how she was. She was a Cancer woman of much sass, love, outspokenness and grace. She embodied the "mother" trait and often at times could be a walking contradiction. I can hear her saying, "Baby Love...don't worry about grandma...I'm fine. You worry about you! Go out and make me some great-grand babies. Make em pretty, too!" I don't think I'm having babies, grandma...but, I think I've got the worrying about ME part down...FINALLY!
I love the fact that losing past loves didn't make me this hateful, inconsiderate, bitter person. I still lavish in all things love and have a deep affinity for couples in love and babies with their parents. After the initial breaking up with past dudes, after long...I'm remembering them at the pinnacle of our connection with fondness and smiles. I've learned that the ART of forgiveness is steeped deeply in the art of self. It's for me. MY freedom, peace and future happiness. Who they are and what they do is solely between them and their God.
I've also learned that in spite of how time passes, there are people who were once my best friends and sole confidantes will always reside tucked sweetly in my soul. There...in the spaces between hi's and bye's...are albums of mental pictures of things we did together, recorded audio of phone convos that go back and forth between salacious, silly and serious...and always...always...LOVE.
Once I'm bonded with you...nothing but death can keep me from loving you. Nothing but the most heinous of crimes could keep me from still thinking of you as I remember you best.
I've got a lot of thinking to do. I once considered renaming myself. Taking the Kween of Love name away from my Twitter and giving myself something more realistic to how my life is. I mean, folks be coming to me for advice and support on things I don't even possess true experience on. I have no kids. I have no man in this moment. I've got both my parents (Thank you God for each day you renew us in) and honestly...I'm not a party person, a sex nympho or anything. What I realized the other day that people come to me, not because I'm an expert. They come to me because I am an observer. I am a pure lover...and because they TRUST me. Isn't that beautiful? To be trusted with someone's daily life troubles and concerns on the strength of love for you and yours for them. That's a blessing.
Like I said...I've got a lot of thinking to do. Some gaps need to be closed in on, others are fine as they are. Every gap isn't an obstacle...sometimes, it's for your own safety. This ONE gap though...it's not working. A bridge needs to be rebuilt...even if only so that it's there and not because it will be used right away.
Baby steps, Kween of Love...Baby steps :)