I haven't blogged "me" in a while... I decided perhaps I needed a forum to relax, relate and release into. ~long exhale~
I feed off of energy...or not. You give me pure positivity...I return that. If you give me negativity...I don't return it, I just deflect it with appropriate and positive reaction. Self-preservation is a necessary quality for humans. No one should always be 100% selfless unless the cause is so much bigger than them that their energy is less energy and more vessel for God's gift. Examples of that are found in the life works of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. I am not any of these people. I'm nice. I love people. I dig helping, but I can't be as self-sacrificing as I once was. I'm on that shit nowadays. (See, Mother T wouldn't have said that).
I noticed that over the course of a few years...friendships/relationships had changed or ended. One or two I regret the WAY it ended, but am good with where I am. Having said that...I know something about myself. I've known this since I was a teenager. When I feel like I've done all I can to bring a situation to the table or my attempts were foiled, etc...I decided RIGHT then and there that I'm done. Even if, I communicate with the person...I still hold a sense of reserve. When people do dumb and unnecessary shit especially, I fold up my emotional tent and leave. Why should I stick around when it's been made clear to me that you're either full of shit, selfish or both? Not happening. I used to. My last "relationship" was entertained FAR beyond the breaking point. That shit should have stayed gone once I found out that he was making plans to see the chick. BOOM! Yet, I was too busy trying to salvage the friendship portion of what we had and that, too was crap. Friends don't do what he did...so he wasn't fit for that position either.
THAT is what I learned hardest that go-round. Friends don't lie, manipulate, mislead, disrespect, cross boundaries of trust, etc. They are supposed to be your "checks and balance". If I gotta keep "checking" and "balancing" your ass about how you're treating ME...nah uh. I don't have time to emotionally babysit anyone.
Once the dynamic is changed, for whatever trite reason...I let it be. If I go a period of time without speaking to you and the distance was more shade than space...once we DO speak, I am NOT gonna hang my heart out for you. I will treat you generically. If the SPIRIT hits me that we can begin again I will open up slowly. I will fa SHO pray on it...but, I will weigh up the truth of how things happened and the growth of us both.
I don't have it in me anymore to allow crap to hang in limbo. Once you show me your lack of concern for me...the friendship...I start throwing my little ideas, affections, and cute emotions into my carry on and start for the door. That's the NEW me.
I leave you with this...
"People do what they WANT to do."
"Love is a verb doing!"
"Never make someone a priority who makes you their option"