Are We There Yet?

Once again...the conversation bandit strikes! My girl and I were discussing some things and we both concluded that in spite of much have as much, if not MORE baggage than women.

Sure, some women get hurt and become hesitant to embark on a new relationship with the same brand of dew-eyed trust as the first...but, that's not baggage...that's common sense. Unless she's bitter, cynical and negative with the energy she's is within ANY one's rights to self preserve. Yet, a LOT of men have a tendency to withhold love in a new relationship when he's been severely hurt or betrayed. A lot of doggish dudes are that way because he refuses to give another woman the kind of "power" that the last one had over him. If women are ruled by are ruled by ego. The ego is a fragile thing...mostly because it is ballooned for the sake of appearance, rather than from a place of love. Anyway...this is what we came up with. A situation where the woman has less baggage than the man (which translates into SHE wants to be there, is in love and is giving it all she's got...while he's reserving his true self. Whether it be for the ex, or the next...or just himself because he can't fathom giving himself totally to another woman again)

It's like a couple goes on a trip. It's not a long one...just long enough to bond and spend some time. She packs for the occasion. An outfit for each day and possibly an extra for the "in case".  He on the other hand...has used all of HIS luggage up and has now usurped HER luggage, too. He's packed for every day they'll be together. He's also packed for every day that he and his ex were together...and also for the days that he hoped they'd still be together.

She's driving...he's in the passenger seat. He's holding her bag. Listening to music. Looking out the window. Nodding off...while she navigates the relationship. As he fidgets, she asks him a time or two what's wrong. He answers, nothing. She asks again. He answers that he may have forgotten his "keys". The "keys" aren't even HIS. They belong to the home of the ex, but he carries them around just in case she invites him back home. THIS chick...the one getting agitated. NOT because she knows which keys he's missing...but, because she's driving and he's not helping. She can't even BEGIN to understand that this dude is planning the trip that never happened. Or reminiscing on the trip that wasn't long enough...that is, until she gets them to a place of rest. They're unpacking...and he realizes something. The extra set of luggage belongs to the ex. His "keys" (which belong to HER house) are ALSO the keys to open his luggage.

NOW, the woman he's with has had it. DAMN packed ALL this extra shit you didn't need, but I said nothing. You didn't drive at ALL. You didn't help with the map, the signs...nada. NOW, you don't have SHIT for this trip, because you're shit is in HER luggage. Hmm...where ARE those damn KEYS!!!

Moral of the story? Don't think for ONE minute that because someone SAYS shit is okay...that it is. Actions speak louder than words. If it seems like you're dragging someone along on a trip and you've gotta fight to get them to get up on time for the "trip". You've gotta pick their clothes. Pay for their fare. See to it they're paying attention...chances are their mind is elsewhere. Where your mind is, your body follows and the spirit does, too. 

Desperation makes you selfish. Desperation isn't anymore grounded in love, than control is...and desperation IS a form of control.  A desperate person desires to possess someone or something so badly that they try and control the atmosphere, the circumstances, the effects. If someone is desperate for your Their desperation will only cloud their judgment. They'll only see you as a prize to be won. On the other hand...if someone keeps putting off the trip. SABOTAGING the trip...leave their asses!

Unpack those bags, give away the shit you can't fit, keep what you can and live for the moment. That's what I plan on doing.

15 scopers scoping:

Butterfly Effect said...

You made so many great points in this whole blog. But, for some reason this one sentence spoke volumes to me and I read it a couple of times.

"Where your mind is, your body follows and the spirit does, too."

So true. If the mind is all in, the body and spirit will follow with no persuasion. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we see in the possible future that we don't see what is right in front of us in the present day. There are always signs when you may be dragging someone on a trip they don't want to attend. Usually when you feel your energy draining from your spirit and body at an unfamiliar rate, he/she may not be ready for that trip or any trip.

And yes, "actions speak louder than words". It's so hard for me to sometimes turn down the volume on the loud voice just to key in on the doings. I'm working on that.

Da_Kween said...

"It's so hard for me to sometimes turn down the volume on the loud voice just to key in on the doings."

Sometimes that loud voice is only loud for distraction's sake. People sometimes SAY shit to say it. A person may know that they really aren't ready for a full-on commitment, but don't want to "lose their place" they make promises and statements that don't quite sit flush with their actions. If you SAY "marry me", but ACT're not ready. PERIOD.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Hey chica!

Yep, yep, yep! The first thought to cross my mind was "they're mutually exclusive". Men swear they don't like drama, etc. yet they often tend to cause it, whether it's a lack of communication or "forgetting to tell you they mistakenly kissed a coworker at the office Christmas party (lol)...there's always the absolute equation woman + man = expect complexity.

Da_Kween said...

You said a mouthful...and didn't lie once. LOL

25champ said...

Men are guarded because unlike women we don't like making the same mistake twice. Women hold on to hurt frm guys they dated in middle school and eventually become bitter even when they say they aren't. You think you are loving that man the way he should be, but all u really are doing is pushing him away. Just like men claim to not like drama women claim to be mature. Like I say all the time the reason why men and women have problematic realatiohships is because neither has sympathy for eachother circumstances. All we do is compare eachothers struggle.Neither man or women hav it easier God made us different and unique. We complement eachother well, but u have to remember that if we were made to be with everybody then would make ur relationship special frm the next. Thanks 4 sharing!

Da_Kween said...

Champ, what makes you think women LIKE making the same mistake twice? You think women go into relationships with the GOAL to be heartbroken by the failure? That's a pretty sweeping statement.

"I" said...that men have baggage just like we do. And I'd be remiss to exclude that a lot of guy's hesitancy isn't ALWAYS by design of his own need to "get it right". A lot of guys are fearful of the pain of rejection and failure and don't want their ego to take that shot to the heart again. What makes any one person think that their pain is so much deeper, severer or important than the next person's? We've all been hurt, but you get back out there and try again. As for us women clearly loving repeat mistakes...uh, no. We're HOPEFUL that love is out there and we try again. Not ALL women do it with an open heart and a new brand of trust...but a lot of us do and often end up with men who are doing the very thing you said WE do...withhold their love and push their mates away.

THIS particular blog was a very particular situation. As stated, the scenario was built around the OPEN WOMAN and the CLOSED OFF MAN. Maybe one day I'll write about the closed off woman and the open's about HIS baggage. Not hers.

Da_Kween said...

Oh, and don't get me wrong...but no one can speak on what someone else is giving someone else...unless you're PART of that couple you have no clue how much "she's loving that man like she should". That's an unfair assessment.

I'm going on the actions of a person who is in a relationship but clearly NOT IN the relationship. This is experience, not observation.

25champ said...

I understand that this is situational...I get that! I'm just saying that some women will repeat the same pattern. Know one goes n to a situation to get hurt, but their is a such thing a being naive. Only a man can tell u whether or not he is afraid to get his ego hurt so I think that's a sweeping statement on your behalf.Getting hurt is getting hurt it has nothing to do with ego. Ur love should be selective. When a women does it she is being smart when a man does it..he is being difficult.

Da_Kween said...

I speak on "ego" because it doesn't take a lot to listen. If a person is continuously saying how they won't "let someone get the best of them again" or "I won't be played"...that is pride/ego...and YES, women experience this as well. I've also had more than a few men corroborate what's behind a lot of men's motivation to withdraw emotionally. Ego is the number one, I'm going on that as well.

...and don't you think it's a pattern to continue initiating relationships with a woman, never giving your all and making it HER fault when it's over? It's not a pattern to say the same things over and over to different women to get sex, intimacy, etc?

What I find interesting is that you're stating generalizations, when I didn't. I wrote on a situation and not a mass chain of events. YOU made it about women's bitterness and inability to love a man properly, while I stated that this was less about a group and more about THESE two within a relationship. The only thing that I did generalize was that men AND women both have baggage...and that women get accused of having more baggage, when in fact it's just that we tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves.

I said that it was smart for ANY one person to, I'm not calling men difficult on a whole. What IS unsettling is when CERTAIN men allow for a relationship to progress and for the woman to fall deeper while he's weighing up his options or while he's just straddling the fence on whether he even sees her as a long term love to begin with. It's about intentions and accountability, rather than negative accusations. I'm simply trying to bring clarity to myself and others experiencing this situation.

You best believe if God sends me an opportunity to be in a beautiful love relationship, I'm going to give it a chance and give it my all.

25champ said...

I feel u sis, but I'm not just generalizing I just feel that the same happens in the male perspective also and that there a men who have to deal wit the brick wall that some women put up.Just because u hear women saying that they are ready to commit doesnt mean that's what their actions say.Neither 2 me have more baggage then the next....I just think that we present diff types of baggage.Maybe I took the post deeper than it was supposed to go n I apologize for that.

Da_Kween said...

It's okay. We're all passionate about our gender's issues with the other. I understand fully what you were saying. I am very cognizant that we all have baggage...that's exactly what my point was.

What I was formally addressing HERE...was how some men (who claim baggage is a woman's thing) are struggling with the weight of their OWN cargo. I was using the analogy as a means to describe a situation I know of.

No harm no foul. This is a forum of adult debate and opinion. I respect yours, Champ. I just like for us to be clear on what it is we're debating and if we're saying the same thing and getting caught up on the difference in communication. Peace, love.


I'm loving the analogy Keys...and I've been in that position and had "unpack" my bag and walk away. His ego told him to go get her back don't let her go that easy but damage done I'm walkin...

Da_Kween said...

Thanks sis...I know we've all traveled this road before. We ALL have's about how light or heavy you pack.

The God'ess said...

"Desperation makes you selfish. Desperation isn't anymore grounded in love, than control is...and desperation IS a form of control. A desperate person desires to possess someone or something so badly that they try and control the atmosphere, the circumstances, the effects. If someone is desperate for your Their desperation will only cloud their judgment. They'll only see you as a prize to be won. On the other hand...if someone keeps putting off the trip. SABOTAGING the trip...leave their asses!"

Sadly, I know these people. And it's like watching a train wreck.

Da_Kween said...

@God'ess~ I'm sure you DO. I think we ALL do. It's sad how many people settle for the subpar to avoid working on the excellent.

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