Who's Driving?

I've heard so many people use the cliche, "Stay in your lane". So much so, I've begun to wonder...does ANY one know where they're going? Is there a map being utilized and if so...what's the motivating force behind seeking this destination?

Right now...I'm referring to the two lanes loosely called, "Man" and "Woman". I say loosely, because nowadays so many men and women trade places. I don't mean cross-dressing, either. I'm speaking traditional/God-given roles.

My friend posted a video by a man on Youtube to her page. He broke down some of the more important reasons why some Black men and women are having problems. He's a little on the harsh side with the profanity...but the point is still sharp all the same. You can view that video [men] and [women] and tell me what you think...but, back to my own personal points of view.

I've noticed so many excuses are thrown around by BOTH sexes as to why they're single or stuck in the revolving door of relationships. I've heard women say, "He's intimidated by my intelligence" "He's upset that I make more money", etc. Men will often say, "She wanted to be the man" She is too mean, controlling, aggressive, etc.".  I'm sure there are true examples to support the stereotypical (and invisible) boundaries that keep men and women from finding a common ground on which to unify on. I've heard the Women's Lib movement be blamed (and in a is). I've heard the urban legend of Willie Lynch be blamed (read it in spite of the question of it's authenticity). The bottom line is that many men and women, stuck on hurts, pains and bad experiences from the past...tend to make excuses about why it is they're REMAIN single. A lot of people fight commitment and instead of admitting the fear of vulnerability, they'll form "the list" of standards. It's the list of impossible possibles. If you haven't been tuned into "What Chilli Wants"...don't. It'll make you wanna shake Chilli. (Well, it made ME wanna choke her, lol) Ms. Chilli is unmovable on her list of things she wants in a man. To prove how uncompromising Chilli's list was...her "matchmaker", Tionna brought in an "oddsologist" to break down based on all the components required and the demographic of Atlanta...just what the odds were. As I saw the numbers dwindle...I shook my head. I also thought...what is an "oddsologist" and is he licensed to crash dreams? Anyway...I digress. MY point is that from the beginning of watching this show I saw how Chilli and thousands of other Black women do the same thing. They've created the perfect man in their heads and a lot of it is due to not being over the one they THOUGHT was perfect and got away. Some of course is residual "fairytale syndrome" from being a child and looking for someone to swoop in and save the day. Men, too...have their dreams of the "Halle Berry's" and "Vanessa William's". Taken by Hollywood and video vixens...wanting the perfect woman in physique, personality and freakiness. Either way...that list of impossible possibles is keeping a lot of people from finding good mates.

I think the reason why women often let some of the "good" men slip by is because a lot of us fear that "thing". You know...he's perfect in the beginning, but the moment you let your guard down...he morphs into the guy before him? His mask melts and he becomes the guy on your couch instead of the man in your dreams. A lot of women would LOVE to let their guards down and become the woman in the relationship. A lot of us DO want chivalry to prevail and have a man come in and do what they were purposed to do. Yet, often...we get the frog disguised as a prince and get left with a bad case of warts. No relationship or individual for that matter, is perfect...but, after too many quits responding to ribbits while walking past the swamp. I know most of MY friends want the traditional dude. Sistas get tired of grinding all the time and being the "strong one". We WANT to submit to a man. As one of my sista-friends says,"Proclaim, Provide, Protect". He proclaims her...meaning, NOT being ashamed to tell the world his love for his woman. (Meaning he's not hiding the ring/relationship status, etc to keep possible options from remaining options). He's not going to use a million excuses why he wants to remain "private". He's not going to care WHO tries to come between him and her, because he knows that what they have is built on the RIGHT stuff and will survive a petty trespassing. He will that he will get up every day to procure something to sustain himself and his family. He will be breadwinner, bacon-bringer...and be PROUD about it, because his divine role is being lived. Self-emasculation by way of being a gigolo is NOT allowed. He will protect...because he'll be the man. PERIOD! She fights no unnecessary battles because he is there to step between her and danger. He protects her, because he won't allow anyone or anything to be a reason for dissension in their union. He protects her...because when he's preserving his OWN life...he is doing so with thoughts of her in mind.

YET...because of the day and age we live in we get a lot of flack for wanting that security. Like my sis, Joy said, "We get accused of being gold-diggers" which is unfair to the women who aren't just out for cash...but know the reality of life. Love can NOT pay the bills (even though real love CAN be an impetus to motivate). So, when a woman states her desire for a man who works, isn't selfish and has his priorities straight...women get accused of wanting him just for his money. But what do we call the guy who wants a woman who "has her own"? Is he just hiding behind the desire for an independent get out of being the provider of his family? A lot of guys want it to be "easy" which leads to a lot of men sitting around on their woman's dollar while adjusting himself. Wow...what a man. O_O

My personal hope for men and women of that we re-learn some key roles. Remembering that men raise men and women raise women, but together...we raise families. That they (us) will remember that a man cannot be a man, while a woman is actively emasculating him and being his crutch, rather than his backbone. If we can remember that's okay to submit to a man (worthy of your submission, of course) and allow him to be the lead. We'd be half way there to love if we remembered that one. I would hope that while riding shotgun to your'd be paying attention to all the road signs so that when he gets lost, you can remind him where you were going. On the same, I would hope that when your "kween" points out to you something amidst...that you don't shrug her off and remember she's on this ride with you and you're not alone...that her opinions, needs, and observations matter. *dangling keys* Who's Driving? 

~Happy Trails~

13 scopers scoping:

ABoyd378 said...

Wow! *SMILING!!!*

That's all that comes to mind.

Danielle said...

Thank you. Your perspective on this topic was a great one. I hope that men & women alike read this and get something from it as I did

Butterfly Effect said...


"But what do we call the guy who wants a woman who "has her own"? Is he just hiding behind the desire for an independent get out of being the provider of his family? A lot of guys want it to be "easy" which leads to a lot of men sitting around on their woman's dollar while adjusting himself. Wow...what a man. O_O"

OMG!! They are deflecting from their true role. It's sad to watch. Men have emasculated themselves by willingly submitting to a lower ranking than their TRUE calling. Sad indeed. Having these conversations will help...thanks so much for this Kiwi.

Butterfly Effect said...

And that pic is DEAD ON!!!! Dude is there sleeping on the job with his man purse or holding her purse..And look at her...she looks like she is disgusted and angry at the situation..smh

Da_Kween said...

@Andrew~ Thanks :)

@Danielle~ Thank you much! I hope so, too sis. It's long overdue for men and women to get it together relationship wise.

@BE~ Yea, a lot of folks are dropping the ball. I love that pic, too SPOKE to my topic. lol

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

I watched the videos by the guy. In the first one for women, he wasted the first several minutes of my time with overly long self-promotions.

Then he kicks off his opinions with a lie. He accuses black women of saying they don't need a man. While some say this, most are complaining that there aren't enough men to go around and they're lonely.

He was also noticeably hostile toward women, and the same level of and hostility was absent in his video for men.

The problem with his pitch to black men is that he blames them for "not growing up". Has this guy ever read a history book or a newspaper? He has absorbed the lie of the white racists that black men have a character problem (like in slavery, we were described as "child-like"), and is now spreading their propaganda rather than looking at how oppression, joblessness, lockup laws, and the biological differences between men and women affect us differently. But nooo, this dumb azz puts men of other races on a pedestal. Well eff him; I don't think he really likes women.

If you'd like a different view on why the sexes have problems, read this post and tell me there what you think of it.

~ Kit

Evolution Is A Bitch

Alovelydai said...

It doesn't stop when you're married either. Seven yrs deep & I am still re-learning how to stay in my lane once I enter my castle. Truth is when you're working all day to "get the job done" it's hard to leave that mentality at the door. I learn every day from my hubby to rest, let him take care of things, to spend time w/ myself, to trust that he's "got this". I can't wait for the day when our roles are no longer an issue.

25champ said...

I agree 100, but let me tell u this is not a easy one. Men and women have to many issues because they both seem to think that they have eachother figured out when really it just depends on the couple and what they do to compliment eachother.You've got some house holds where the man makes less than the woman, but he is still the king of his castle. It's all about how she makes him feel and allows him to assert himself. Alot of women tend to think that we are intimidated by their success... well if that's true than he is not a real man. Really all a man needs is his ego stroked from time to time and he will go all out for his woman it's when she puts him down when it becomes a problem. Just like woman want security we need to feel like we are takin ur bullets 4 the right reasons. Great Post! as always


Sis we were cool for a minute but time to piss you off a little. Women's main problem is worrying what other people are gonna think.

Quit worrying, because you know what worrying isn't making things any better is it? Women claim they want somebody they can submit to, if your gonna do it do it, anything else is just an excuse. You control you not him, let me repeat that you control yourself not whoever you are dating or dealing with, if that isn't good enough for you then you deserve to be alone because you are not suited for a healthy relationship. If I want to be faithful, there is no excuse for me not doing it, if I want to do it I do it, could I fall short sometimes sure, things happen, but if I let them happen I must face the consequences. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and if either of us violates the trust is the relationship it's on it's way down the drain.

And seriously it ain really strong if just because you got a few frogs you stopped listening to the swamp because guess what guys hear so many no's that if we acted like that the human race would have been extinct long ago.

True strength comes from standing up to your fears and going ahead anyway. To intelligent, not really because if you were with somebody intimidated by your status were you smart to get with him in the first place? Mean, aggressive, did you get with someone who you saw as your equal or someone you thought you could mold?

This ain at you, this is a general you before it starts. I agree that yes women want everyman to turn into the one that got away, but he's not there for a reason, as much as it hurts light that last candle to his memory and move on. We guys have to do the same thing, especially when we thought we had the perfect woman for us. Most of us know you aren't perfect, but when we look at you and see your flaws, in our eyes they are so minimal that anybody who thinks different has two choices say it quietly or say it through swollen lips.

As for the stay in your lane, the question isn't where are you going but where are we going. We don't have a problem going where we want to go when it's just us, but now when there are two of us together can we agree on where we're gonna go? Can we agree on how we are gonna get there? Are we gonna split the driving and who gets the first leg, who gets the second and how many rest stops.

Relationships are not just about submission but compromise, and if you have some set in your head rules that you will not bend or break on that are not the basic no cheating, no hitting, and come talk to me first(this one is especially important) you have already decided that you wanted you relationship to fail.

Because it isn't a relationship it's a list of what you want without remembering that the other person might want something too. And as for the "roles" in a relationship if you find balance they will not matter as much. I don't care how much you make as long as every time we have an argument you don't make that your main talking point, or that you have a degree and I don't. Because if I flip that around and start talking about all the stuff you haven't done, or can't do right how would you feel.

As hard as it is:juanita, angie and even willa have their own crimes that they have to answer for, if I put them on Kali, Tracey or Joy how are we ever gonna have a chance. In most cases the bastard has a name, if you use it maybe the current me and you can have a chance. Nobody is completely good or bad, yes sometimes a good trait can be taken so far as it becomes bad(determination can become stubborn, frugal can become cheap) but until I do take it to bad give me a chance to make my own mistakes without wanting me to pay for everyone else who has done it, because trust me if I put the weight of all my ex's on you you will be just as miserable as you're making me

Da_Kween said...

@K.I.T.~ I, too...along with a few of my other friends did indeed feel that statement wasn't truthful. Most people I hear even REMOTELY say that...are saying, "I don't need a man" in lieu of being with someone who is going to be a burden and subtract rather than enhance.

I do also feel as if the brothers' problems go deeper than just lying about what they want. There is a significant sense of equality lacking and a societal degradation present.

I will be reading the link soon. Thank you for stopping in, I love when you visit :)

@Lovely~ I wrote a blog once called "Dumping Grounds: Relationships"...where I said that we often bring the environmental crap of our days into our homes and relationships...allowing outside influences to infiltrate in CC's of negativity. It's hard...and yes, you gotta re-learn certain things. I know that the next relationship I'm in...a lot will change. I don't want to let "life" and "role-reversal" get hold of the king/kween dynamic ;)

Da_Kween said...

@Champ~ I agree with's a one on one thing. Every couple isn't alike (Thank GOD) lol

@PRIMAL~ You can't piss me off right now. I'm not here to BE pissed. I opened the floor for the men and women to share opinion on a topic worthy of discussion and peaceful exchange. Having said that...yes, a lot of women DO care, too much what people think...but the truth is...BOTH are capable. Every thing that one is capable of...the other is as well. The blame game is a big problem. Everything isn't one or the other.

I DID point out that we needed to be on the same page (map) as our mates. The question of Who's Driving is based on men being allowed to be men and women, being women. Speaking on the laziness that consumes a lot of men nowadays...and the abrasive, unapproachable nature of a lot of "independent women".

Oh, I DO get to quit responding to frogs. Yes, sir. I do that because I've learned a LOT about how to discern the froggies from the princes. I wasn't speaking on not giving ANY men a chance...just the ones pretending to BE men.

This post wasn't about putting the weight of a woman's baggage onto an unsuspecting, seemingly innocent was about how BOTH sexes use their ideas of love, romance, hurt and pain as excuses to remain single and also to keep from dealing with their OWN selves that need working on.

As usual...a pleasure hearing from you. lol

Da_Kween said...

Oh, and if by chance someone CHOOSES to remain be it. I don't think we HAVE to be coupled up if we don't want to be. I DO however believe that those on that path in life need to be honest about that so they can avoid a lot of unnecessary bumps in the road.


@Da-kween I think if someone chooses to remain single if they just told the folks trying to "hook them up" not interested right now I'm happy at this point in my life(and actually sit down and be happy with that point in their life) we would have less problems all around.

Guys pay to get their egos massaged women pay to get insulted, it's comical. Most of the magazines or books men read turn the smallest accomplishment into this mighty mountain as if looking at the string of accomplishments isn't something they can take pride in. Women on the other hand buy books that tell them who they are isn't good enough(not claiming you don't need to grow, but growing is not the same as not being good enough), You need to lose weight, need to wear better clothes, learn some new trick, wear this shoe, this fragrance this.

Honestly the list will never end because they want you to buy the next issue. If both sides got happy with themselves, and truly became strong enough to send those constantly doubting about their merry way life would be so much easier

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