I won't tally up this year's heart breaks and curl up into tears. Feeling sorry for myself...becoming a "victim of circumstance" *fuck you*...
I won't sit here and question my actions in a situation that ended disrespectfully and indignantly. I won't ask myself those questions that people ask when they're hurt...and not thinking straight. I won't...
I...am thinking of ME, now. My grandmother left this earth in March...because she cared about others SO much that she didn't take care of herself. Sure...she was 81, but her health took a sudden downhill direction in less than 2 years due to two men. Both, unable to do for themselves...yet, still selfish. Sickness and disease doesn't ALWAYS change people for the better. Some just get intensely worse. Between my two uncles (one a great...one my dad's sibling)...my grandmother gave her physical, financial and emotional energies away in doubles. I won't do this. I will always care for people...give what I can...what it is I feel they need. I WON'T give more than I can, should or want to...for fear that if they fall apart...it will be MY fault.
Grown folks do what grown folks want...if you're not a child...kick rocks.
I WON'T except excuses for half-assed relationships, friendships and family. If you love someone...the truth is simple. The love isn't complex...it's SIMPLE. Love is a verb doing. If you're family and you allow outside folks to interfere with the family fabric...you can get the full-on iceberg slim cold shoulder. No one should be able to come in and disrespect, create a chasm, be a wall between you and your clan. PERIOD! I ain't fucking with NO more selfish people. If you're MY friend...you don't let SHIT get between us that we can't discuss or deal with. NO excuses. If you're MY man...you come get me. You show me. You make shit happen for us...b/c you better believe I'mma spoil you. I'm gonna hold you down. I'm supporting, loving, giving, sexing your mind and body, feeding your soul and belly, smiling FOR you when you're feeling down, being a wife-kween to you and upholding all the beautiful, classy, regal qualities that go with it while being your BEST fucking friend and loving you even when your shit stinks and no one else understands. I deserve the same...again...NO excuses. If I get greasy with you...so fucking what. Tighten that shit up and get back, because if you put me in my place...I'm gonna play my position and take that shit like a woman as long as you're not disrespecting me. Like Brandy and Ray J's dad said the other night, "When you're IN love...it hits you like a tidal wave". How can you deny a wave?
I WON'T let 2010's early bullshit run me into the ground and make me question whose I am.
Because...when I'm not someone's daughter... grandbaby... niece... cousin... sister... godmother... lover... best friend... ride or die... I'm STILL HIS creation. God's anointed one. Yea, He knows me well and still loves me and I WON'T forget that!
I'm a lover AND a fighter...I like the folks most don't. I walk to the beat of a drummer....who isn't REALLY in the band, but got the best beats. I am big on love..."I see you" where you're at...hopefully this blog helps you to see me, as well. Either Love me...or leave me alone!
Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik