The Kween's State

Happy New Year to all of you.  God bless that we were able to meet on the other side of 2009.

I have a lot to do this year. I've got to publish my works, get my health together...wait...there I go. Creating resolutions without meaning to. I guess the point is that the new year is like a new day...another chance to do better...the same way we wish for another day to get it right. I won't make any promises or go extreme for a goal. All I can say is that I am going to try from this point forward to stay productive and be what God has purposed me to be. If that somehow includes, published work, a healthier overall state of self and some be it.

I confess, I brought 2010 in with tears. I cried for what should've been, what needed to be and why in it all...I felt immensely alone. I shouldn't be, y'all. I am a vibrant, humorous, talented, special woman...who deserved to be in the throes of an all-consuming love. I should've been in the middle of the rest of my life...but happy. I've gotten some really good advice...people who have reminded me of the overflowing proportions of special I am. Folks, who've watched me be for others what very few were for me...and that's okay. Part of understanding who you are as a knowing that we're all to our own capacity what we can be in that moment.  As, I sit here listening to Mariah sing "Never Too Far Away"...I know that in her greatness she is Mariah...and Whitney even at her worse...still was legendarily HER.  I never ask for folks to BE me...I just hope that by example, they'll see what I'm worthy of and love me enough to give it.  I don't "expect" things from people...I pray that the relationships/friendships that I enter into have reciprocity...enough so that I don't feel taken for granted or like someone is doing ME a favor. I like my own company, appreciate my good qualities and not-so-good traits. I love my loud laugh, my silly impressions, my wild imagination, my left-field thinking and my love's reach. I also can dig my evil side, the side that comes out when I've had enough...the fighter that is an underdog's best representative, the sharp-tongued fire goddess I can be...and the little girl inside who needs love. All of that is me...and I'm beginning to, now more than ever...understand what I deserve over what I desire...

Did you get that? Because my desires had me grasping at slender straws...but what I deserved was even further away...due to preoccupation with trying to obtain something that may have never been mine to behold. THAT is what God is about...providing what we deserve (as unworthy as we are) over what we desire. The two don't always, sometimes...ya gotta let go.

I aim to be on the receiving end...for ONCE. I want to be on the receiving end of hungry kisses...hugs just because...knee rubs...cheek pinches {both sets, lol}.  I want to be on the receiving end of dinner served...calls "just to say ~I love you~"...mystery cash in my letters, letters.

Anyway...That's what was on my mind tonight. Again...Happy New Year...and be prepared to say Happy Birthday in oh....about..........EIGHT days! ;)

6 scopers scoping:

Kandia said...

"What we deserve over what we desire" that was deep, stopped me dead in the middle of reading to ponder that one. I have definitely been there and thank the Lord for pulling me out with my mind still in tact. I also feel you on the love letters...that is a real rarity nowadays and a treasure to find.

I wish you the best with getting your work published and hope you have a happy successful New Year!

Butterfly Effect said...

I love you Kali. Like you always tell me, there is nothing wrong with crying. And yes, you deserve so much more. I'm so glad you know that fact. What are your plans for your birthday?

MilesPerHour said...

I turn my desires over to God. He will provide what I want if and when He sees it is in my best interest. I trust that thought.

Da_Kween said...

@Kandia~ Yes, it's a hard thing to just let go and let God...and amen on the love letters. I haven't received one since HS.

Thank you for the prayers and love...God bless you and Happy New Year! :)

@BE~ I love you, too. I'm struggling for real. I don't have plans thus far. My friend Vikki asked me the same thing. I just pray I wake up.

@MPH~ I trust that thought as well...

the.kisser said...

kween, that was a very deep, heartful letter to life. i hate that you are hurting, cause i love you, but you had to hurt to come to this beautiful conclusion. God bless the people in your life that love you for all you are, without apology... i look forward to your happiness, giggles, and soaring talent this year.

.kisses and love.

Da_Kween said...

Aw, I love you back. Thank you for the beautiful words and encouragement. You're a sweetheart and I appreciate you. (((hugs)))

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