Scopers


Legacy of Marriage


My mother and I were out running errands the other day. She had on a yet to be released CD by Kirk Whalum. The Gospel According to Jazz 3 is a must have. One of my faves is the piano rendition of Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" with George Duke on piano...but, I digress. LOL

Kirk was speaking to the audience (it's a live CD with a DVD companion) and was telling everyone about his dad who at the time was still alive, but sick and making his transition. He said something that sparked this blog. He said, "My brothers and I and our wives..."

"OUR wives..."

I said to my mother, I love that...I love that when all the men in the family are married and there is a legacy of marriage. She said that it was indeed THAT reason...why it may work for them. They've known nothing BUT marriage in their family. Now, don't get me wrong...there are people who have not seen an example of marriage and/or healthy relationships, and they've found happiness. Yet, what did they go through in order to find that place of peace? What I believe to be a great truth is that those shown healthy and I repeat...HEALTHY relationships and marriages lean more toward finding themselves married more contently. Just like a child needs two parents...they need to see their parents (or some semblance of it) interacting in a functional partnership of matrimony in order for them to navigate through the trials of being a couple. You learn behavior that is exampled...even if only from a mentor. For instance...my cousin has become his pastor's honorary 4th child. The pastor has been married to his wife for long over 20yrs and have 3 productive children. My cousin befriended his eldest son when they were younger and have been roll dogs ever since. Seeing their example of family, "I" believe is the reason my cousin wanted to go to school...and why now he is striving to be a minister (even though he's loved church since before he even knew this family)...but, again...SEEING it and knowing its possible are two different things.

My uncles are married. I have 3 on my mother's side and 1 on my father's side. My uncle on my dad's side married finally 7 years ago...but, by then he'd done all a man could do and more. My mom and dad were never married and not so sure either of them are worried about that now. The three uncles on my mom's side are married and have been married for several years. My oldest uncle has been married for over 20yrs...to his 3rd wife. My other two uncles were married the same year 2 months apart. They're still with their wives even with all they've been through since. Yet, I noticed...the women in my family aren't married...or in serious relationships for that matter. On my maternal side, my grandmother was never married, but her sisters were...and their children were. MY grandmother's daughters and granddaughters have yet to find that to even be a possibility as of yet. On my paternal side...my grandmother was married to my grandfather, until they divorced before I was even born. She's yet to be "seen" with a man. *laughing at my grandma*

I wonder how it is that the MEN found a legacy of marriage in a family where there was no example of relationships...yet the women have not. I would love to see someone's take on it.

10 scopers scoping:

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Hmmm...I wonder about that too. You've hit on something that I don't ever remember considering....my family has been the "marrying type" and now I think that's why I feel a little uncomfortable about my current status...I smell a new blog post...lol

On another note, where did your mom get the CD? I was at the friggin' concert...going on 2 years ago...lol

Da_Kween said...

I'll ask her about the CD...she loves that CD so much. I've become fond of it too.

I can understand that when you're family is strong in relationships, you feel the unspoken pressure of marriage and relationships. I guess we have to learn not to define ourselves by that.

We don't need no stinkin men. LMAO (j/k)

wizzyjr said...

Well, we have about 3 divorced people in my family. One of them being my Grandfather (on my Mother's side) but her remarried and is still with her. Come to think of it, it was the woman who he cheated on my Grandmother with years ago. Ironic, ain't it?

But I see where you're going with this, though.

Da_Kween said...

But even though he COMMITTED...that's the point. You feel me? I wonder how many men and women with cheaters as examples have relationships that are healthy? I know there are always the exceptions...I mean, there are a lot of kids who do well in life with one parent...so, I know there are couples who challenge their own family's legacy of marriage. I just wish I knew the numbers. I might have to look that up when my mind isn't so muddled. LOL

Angel said...

wow now that opened my eyes, yes all my family are married I guess im just late!!

First time here, loving the blog and layout

Da_Kween said...

Welcome, Angel...and thank you.

It's just a theory you know? I just wonder if it takes an example of marriage (healthy ones) to instill the sanctity of marriage into your progeny. Or can it be learned by way of trial and error, with a little fate thrown in.

Divaprocessor said...

Most marriages are a part of a learned behavior..a comfort zone..just because the years are there that does not mean the happiness is..a lot of people are not following in our parents and grandparents footsteps of their meaning and belief in what a marriage is and has been to them..I come from a background of abusive marriages and I cannot honestly count on one hand any marriages in my family that should of even been to begin with...This was a interesting post

Da_Kween said...

Thanks, Diva...and you're very right. That point within your point is that those marriages you speak of weren't healthy.

When I think of marriage...I think of healthy communication. I think of ultimate trust. Your mate as your best friend. Working as a unit...swapping roles when necessary, but remembering the traditional ones with respect. Of course WANTING to be married matters. A feeling that the choice was theirs to make based on all the right reasons. The premise of a relationship is indeed the cornerstone to a GOOD, healthy marriage. If it begins out of need, negative intentions, lies and convenience...it won't last long...and if it does...it won't be healthy.

I'm just tryna figure out what we can all do for ourselves to reinstate those beliefs that our ancestors put in effect long ago.

Divaprocessor said...

The true meaning of marriage is in the word..If people put their faith back in the Lord then marriage will have more of a soild ground..the meaning of the role of the woman and the man have been twisted and abused for selfish gain..the purpose of our being is for a man and a woman to unity and become one and create so..We are only one Gender so we can one be and do one role..and a lot of us have forgotten that..Our ancestors live and walk to freedom land all on the strength of the Word and it should not be any different now..Get Faith and God back in the souls and the true meaning of human life and marriage will succeed

Mahoganydymond said...

It is weird that way... None of the women or men on my mother or father side are married except 1.. All the men on my mother side are married. I don't know what it is and they all seem to be GOOD loving and respectful women. I already feel I will never find that type of love or relationship. I do know I am at the point where it doesn't even matter anymore either. My grandmother all her brothers and sister were married. They lived the until death do us part. I guess it isn't meant for my mother and my generation..

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