Trust...it's big...yet it's small. Trust is being a baby and knowing mommy will hold you when you're tired. Trust is in the child's eyes that expects their parent to walk them across the street safely. It's in their expectation that the teacher will have the right answer in class. It is NOT simply about romantic relationships. It's about relationships, period. Trust is knowing that someone will be what they say...at all times. Holding someone to their displayed character and being at peace with who they are.
A mom says, "Baby...I'll pick you up at 3pm." The child waits for mom to return...to no avail. Mom got sidetracked...not meaning to be late. Once, maybe...the child may forget. But, repeated offenses will send the child into anxiety. From that point forward, being dropped off will become traumatic. Trust lost...issues found.
When a person has given their trust over to someone, who ultimately proves to be untrustworthy...it brings about trauma. The idea of being "left out front" waiting for someone to pick you up...to keep their word...is enough to induce fits of fear. Those broken promises become the trigger. Hearing someone say, "I won't hurt you" or "I'll never leave you" or anything remotely close to that can and will bring about sensations of worry that can make someone want to escape. To shut down and become unreachable. The idea of the broken trust being founded in lapse of judgment or an err in decision is lost on the victim of the betrayal. All the victim can do is think of the feelings...abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, fear...and become hardened to words.
How can trust be restored? Is it something like when a mom plays peekaboo with her baby? Making it safe for the child to close his or hers eyes, knowing that when they reopen them...mom will be there. That first lesson in trust...telling the baby from the next room, "Mommy's right here"...so they'll know that mom's love is never too far. Does a person who has royally screwed up have to shout from where they are..."I'm here!"? Soothing and relaxing their loved one into a trustful game of peekaboo. Helping them become reacquainted with knowing that the person they love is who they say. Where they're supposed to be. What they claim to be.
Makes it all the more important to for a person to be WORTHY of the trust before the trust is given.
**found this in the drafts and decided to publish**
11 scopers scoping:
Amen sistah... That is one pitch that don't take hard to throw... Glad you looking in the archives.. :)
Yes indeedy. I seem to be constantly challenged in this area lately, sometimes I wonder why but I guess it's the inherent lesson(s) I should focus on.
Mah~ It's devastating to trust and then fall by being dropped.
CG~ Yes indeed...I like that "inherent lessons"...that's exactly it :)
This hit me right inside where it counts. This paragraph....
When a person has given their trust over to someone, who ultimately proves to be untrustworthy...it brings about trauma. The idea of being "left out front" waiting for someone to pick you up...to keep their word...is enough to induce fits of fear. Those broken promises become the trigger. Hearing someone say, "I won't hurt you" or "I'll never leave you" or anything remotely close to that can and will bring about sensations of worry that can make someone want to escape. To shut down and become unreachable. The idea of the broken trust being founded in lapse of judgment or an err in decision is lost on the victim of the betrayal. All the victim can do is think of the feelings...abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, fear...and become hardened to words.
That's what I'm currently going through in life. I HAVE TO be able to trust a person. That's not just in relationships either, but everyday life and people. I can't seem to figure out how to truly trust anyone anymore after some of the things I've been through. I DO try, but it's apparently not working out. This lack of being able to trust, is making life very hard.
I have a really good guy in my life. He's one of my best friends. We live together, and there IS sexual involvement, but honestly...I can't trust him completely no matter how badly I want to. I can't give the commitment he wants without the ability to trust. Ugh, someone just kill me now, please?
I think trust can be overated at times....like u said sometimes ppl get sidetrack and wit that comes neglect...I in life I try not to let ppl disappoint me (mom,dad,wife,fwb etc.) because at the end of the day they are ppl first...when we get so caught up in the things that are going on in front that it's easily to neglect some1's need ( I call it...the every1's selfish to a digree theory) It's not til some1 tell you what you didn't do for them when the needed or expected it that will humble you and make you realize that sometimes we do things unintentionally...when I say you I mean ppl n general...Great Post as always!
Constant~ The thing about trust that I have learned is that when we're afraid to trust, it's not others we're concerned for...it's our own judgment we fear. We don't trust easily because the trust implies loss of control, but that's not what it is at all. It's your ability to be vulnerable, KNOWING the risk...and knowing that no matter what happens, you tried. You learned. You loved. It's not worth it to hold onto that fear and consider yourself connected. It's a contradiction in terms.
Champ~ I do believe that what you said in part is true...people are fallible and have their own weaknesses and moments of selfishness. What I really mean more than anything is that REPEAT performance of falling short. It's no longer a momentary lapse in judgment. It is a voluntary choice to ignore someone else's needs. I also pretty much just wanted to touch on what triggers trust issues. I am wondering if when you say "overrated at times..." that you are referring to those who don't know how to let go and try again. I can't ever say it's overrated though. You have to validate someone's need to be able to lay themselves bare to another. It's basic respect.
@Kween I agree on the repeatedly falling short part...but that's key...all lot of ppl have a false representation of love or how 2 love, respect or trust for that matter...so sometimes we have look deeper into the individual...I think sometimes we have this big emphasis on our needs not realizing that most people are products of the enironment...only few perservere...when I'm wit some1..I trust in a way that doesn't leave me completely vulnerable 2 deceit...I give benefit of the doubt...but when u do something that I may consider a deal breaker I'm never really surprised, because most ppl aren't hiding who they are from you..most time's we just fail 2 see it..I know I make it seem easy 2 do...but I've done a pretty good job at not allowing ppl 2 to totally break my heart..or maybe it's a defense mechanism..either way it works
You need to bottle that: "I trust in a way that doesn't leave me completely vulnerable to deceit..."
Yea...some would say that if you're never vulnerable to deceit...you were never vulnerable. When someone betrays you while in the throes of deep love and trust...the reaction is almost immediately...painful. That level of trust is hard to reattain...and honestly, it's not up to that person ONLY to find a way to trust again as much as it is that OTHER person's job to find a way to prove trustworthiness. They're both required to grow past the hurt, but having betrayed and been betrayed I know better. I would dare say that environment, circumstances and past traumas all taken into consideration is understandable, but at some point you're either working on your shit to be ready for grown up life or you aren't. It's a choice. I've tired of making excuses for people to fuck up.
@The_Kween....I'm not making excuses for fucked up ppl I just feel like you have as much responsibilty to protect your own heart..Every1 isn't deceived some ppl are flat out blind...It's not like I'm saying that I except ppl being f cked up I'm just simply saying that any error from big or small isn't a suprise to me....ppl are ppl first...I love with everything in me, but I also no that the world will guide most pplz deception...I guess I ruffled some feathers
I don't know what makes you think you've ruffled feathers. I don't own feathers. lol
I feel strongly of my point. I read everything you said and AS I said...I dig the whole environmental/circumstantial thing...but, I also know that the initial feel of my blog wasn't to take away a person's right to make mistakes. It was to bring to the forefront the feelings of the person whose trust was bruised. I understand both sides, I totally get how human we are...what I was saying overall is that trust is BIG. Your opinion considered, I'm for figuring out how one rebuilds their trust level. THAT is what the blog is about. I got you. I was wondering if you got ME.
And, the beginning statement wasn't a suggestion to bottle your feelings...it was a witty remark to bottle (and sell) you're ability to do what you do and still have meaningful relationships. It takes a lot more to rile me up than your opinion. lol
@Thee_Kween....I got u...and your point is well taken :)
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