3~ The One Who Wasn't

...he named me.

Last/Most Recent Love...what they meant/mean to you...

~deep sigh~

Well, the bottom line is that I THOUGHT he was the one, but he wasn't. Duh...isn't that almost always the case after we've broken up with someone and moved on? Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

I met him on a social site and maintained a VERY long distance "relationship" for about 2 1/2 years. Never meeting...never consummating the love...always waiting. He swept in at first...a confidante. Eventually, a bond sparked and we were up all night talking and laughing until we fell asleep. (Eventually, it became clear that I wasn't the only one he did these things with). He was good...

In spite of the things I found out about that brought our time to a close...he taught me some things. He was someone who helped me come out of my shell. He helped me be less fearful and more open to showing people who I am. His charms, concern and humor made me want more of him. The dude had a dynamic and addictive personality...but, I often in the end found myself wondering how much of him was the real him and not the persona he wanted to put forward. He always said that people sent their "representatives" on dates and in the beginning of relationships...and now, I see he was talking about himself.

Marriage was proposed, a powerful life of love was promised...but ultimately it became wisps in the wind. I often times wished he would've just asked to be my friend and not perpetrate a relationship that he wasn't capable of at the time. I wanted to marry him, have a kid or two with him and show him that love didn't suck like pro hoes. Yet, he showed ME that procrastination and secrets are the killer of dreams and time's potential.

I sometimes wonder if he and I will ever have the conversation I believe we need to have. That convo that is honest and raw, uncut and truthful, lacking in fear of rejection and without blame. I could've lived (and have) with his not wanting me. Hey, to each his own right? What I COULDN'T deal with is being led down a path of delusion and exclusion (of his real life and intentions). He could've spared me that heart break. His actions cut deep.

All I know...is that I loved him more than anyone I've laid eyes on. Crazy right? Not so much. I believe that how people in LD relationships connect is as real a way to connect as meeting in person. There are little to no hang-ups about physicality. Getting trapped off by lustful yearnings because of what one looks like is a top misleading way people confuse love with other things. I am not ashamed that I loved him in this way. What I wish, is that before I'd given my heart, emailed it and sealed it with an e-kiss...that he would've told me that I wasn't the one...